Old vs New

So I was talking with a friend on Friday and I keep thinking about a comment she made.

She was talking about how after a year of therapy she is frustrated that she isn't back to who she was before and that she still isn't able to handle things like she use to.

I can totally see and understand her frustrations.

But the more I have thought about this, the more I wonder if I had the chance to go back and be who I was before all the bouts of depression, would I really, truly want to be that old me?

Somethings I would want (less grey hair for example), but really, there is so much I have learned and there is growth in my soul that I wouldn't want to give up. I am a better person in some ways because of this trial. I see it in my friend too. She is stronger in many ways (she will absolutely deny this, but it is still true.) I have seen how she has changed and I am proud of her for all she does and all she handles- she is pretty amazing. She has changed and her trials have changed her life. Going back seems so easy and comfortable but I think she would lose some of who she is.

I have come to accept that I will never be the same as I was before. And I am okay with that.

I know this trial has made me a more compassionate person- I am less judgmental-I am closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I have been able to have some great conversations with family and friends about life, depression, hard things, and God's love. I am learning to deal with emotions without food (so grateful for that!!!) I am stronger in many ways and I am weaker in others, but weaknesses can humble us and then through the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, I can one day make those weak things become strong.

Has any of this been easy? Heck no! Has it been worth it? Can I see the darkness as a blessing in my life? Well, this morning I can say yes (later today or tomorrow my answer my change depending on my mood.) I am starting to see how the darkness I have endured can be used to bring light into my life and into the lives of others who feel the shadowy black hand of despair gripping their heart.

A friend emailed me saying she feels like maybe I have had to go through this so that I would be able to help her as she faced her dark demons. I don't believe that is true, but I am grateful that through my open and honest blogging, she has found the strength to open up and talk about her own trials. It is hard to fight this alone, but if we share our struggles with others we will find the strength to endure and conquer. I have said this before and I will say it again- we can not help succor and lift those in need if we do not know you have a need! We are all children of a loving Father in Heaven, we are all one big family. Family members help each other. But if we are not willing to be a bit vulnerable and admit we struggle with things, then our brothers and sisters can't give us the love, support, and peace we need and deserve.

Well, as usual, this post got really long. Sorry. Just know that we are stronger because of your trials and we are even stronger when we face those trials together, instead of alone. Don't look back and wish for the past. Look forward to the better, stronger, more enlightened you!

"We are children of the light,
Not of darkness nor of night,
and we are on our way
we are on our way, children of the day."  

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