Marriage

Had an epiphany today while sitting in church.

Sat there crying and trying to sing the hymn

Sat there weeping wishing i hadn't worn make-up today

See, for most of our marriage, i thought i was the right person for Nate to marry because the Lord knew what we would have to face a couple times early on in our marriage and that i would (thanks to the Lord's guidance) stick with nate. Many women would have left him, i know because i have seen it many times, but i didn't for many reasons. Not saying i am some amazing person or anything like that, just that the Lord knew i wouldn't give up on nate and that if someone else would have left nate for what happened, it would  have destroyed him and he would have spiralled downward after that, that was just how Nate was back then. No self esteem and struggling with his testimony. So, all that to say that i always felt i made the right choice to marry him because he had needed me, the one who would choose to stick it out despite the heartache.

Today, i came to realize that the truth of the matter is that i needed nate more than he needed me. Marrying him was the right choice, not because i was the right one to help and forgive him, but that he was the right one to love me and support me through my never-ending weaknesses and shortcomings and episodes of depression. He loves me and knows what to say and how to help me each day. The poor guy got stuck with a nut job, but he has stuck it out and loves me when i am most undeserving of his love. 

Today i realized that i have a Savior and a savior. Without Jesus Christ, i could not make it back to my Heavenly Father. Without Nate, i could not make it through this life.  Today i understood that nate shows me on a daily basis that i am loved despite my bad choices and my shortcomings. His love is a symbol of God's love and forgiveness for me. I would be forever lost and miserable without these two loves.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Control

Just sitting here realizing i am a total control freak and it's ruining my life.

I don't want to be like this, but i don't know how to just "let it go"

Wondering why i need to feel in control of everything around me, especially since i can't control anything, not really

Maybe it's that i know life will throw things at me everyday that i have zero control over and to compensate for that i try to control everything i can possibly have control over??? I don't know, but i really need to learn to relax.

Kind of feel like i am being OCD about things. More so now than ever before.

I just started reading The Happiness Project, so far, it has some great ideas. Today i read about how she uncluttered her physical space so she could begin to unclutter her emotional space. I always feel like i am overwhelmed and out of control when my physical space is cluttered. I am in a totally minimalist mood and want to give away everything but the bare essentials. Too bad my family isn't on board with this. I think Monday i will go through my closet and my kitchen and get rid of anything that isn't used on a regular basis. I can always breathe easier and think clearer after i dejunk. Maybe then i can think clear enough to understand my control issues and begin to deal with them. Maybe...

Christmas 2014 in Texas

This year we spend Christmas in Texas. We left Friday, Dec 19th and returned home on Saturday, January 3rd. It was a long trip, but it had been 8 years since all of the Bingham's had been together. Lots of highs (being together with family) and lows (driving home in the middle of a horrible snow & ice storm) throughout the trip. We accomplished what we set out to do, make Memories and let the kids get to know their extended family.  So much to write about and yet, little energy to do it. So, for now, let the pictures tell the story. I didn't take very many pictures, totally bummed about that. I will try to get back to write about the trip soon.