I started a post the other day and never finished it- I wasn't sure how to express what I was feeling or thinking.  I thought maybe it was just me that was struggling with this issue but as usual, I find, thankfully, I am not.  I just read this post by Glennon Melton and she expressed some of my thoughts and feelings.

I am a homebody and an introvert.  I have always preferred quiet and being alone.  This is really okay with me, except for the fact that I feel like the worst friend, sister, daughter, in-law, etc.  It is so hard for me to use the phone and talk to people.  I usually am so nervous around people that I talk and talk and actually have no idea what I am saying. I tend to repeat myself. The nerves make me repeat the pointless things I am saying. So annoying!

I want to be a good friend.  I want to be there for you when you need me.  I want to help.  I want to be fun and enjoy going out, but it is really hard for me. 

Do I come across as mean, uncaring, stuck up, too good for you, rude, etc??? probably and it eats at me everyday.

Not sure why my friends and family have stuck by me.  I have let them down so many times.

I think of and pray for you all the time but it seems almost impossible for me to pick of the phone or walk out the door to check on you all. Getting invited over to some one's house or for a girls' night out puts me into a panic sometimes.  The longer I have to think about it the more time I have to worry and stress and talk myself out it.  I need help on learning how to be a friend, on how to interact with people outside my home.

I have a friend who understands all of this and is okay with me.  Sometimes we go months without talking, texting, etc.  but when I am in a place to call or text her, we pick up our friendship and just keep going like we see each other everyday.  I love her. I love the comfort level of our friendship.  The friendship is there and strong if we talk everyday or go 6 months without a word.  This doesn't work for every,  or even most, friendships.  I want to be a good friend and have friends but I feel selfish.  Friendships are difficult and require energy I just don't have most days. 

so friends, I am sorry if you feel short changed in our friendship.  sorry I am bad at keeping in touch.  sorry for not always being there to hang out and for saying/doing dumb things when we do.  Please  know that if you really need me, tell me and I will do all I can to help.  Please understand that if I don't call you, it doesn't mean I don't care. Please know I pray for you and thinking about you most days. And if you want to hang out, come on over, I do better in my own home where I feel safe. thanks.

I'm a Human not a Pilgrim

My conversation with Audrey today:
"Mom, what are we having for Thanksgiving?"

"Turkey."

"MOM!!!! I am NOT a pilgrim!"

"Oh, what are you?"

"I'm a human!"

"Pilgrims were human too."

"Oh...so I have to eat turkey?"
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Wyatt's Getting Baptized!

This cute boy has just turned 8 and has decided he would like to be baptized
as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

He will be getting baptized with his best friend, Jared.
If you are in town and would like to come witness this special event in his life, please join us.
December 7th at 9:00 am at the church building on Robindale and Buffalo.
A light brunch will be served after at our home.

Joy in the little things

FINALLY cool weather! And rain!!! Oh joy- I am in heaven today!
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3 things I heard or read this week that were worth sharing:

1. From my sister-in-law Kim- article on how to talk to a depressed loved one- what to say and what not to say

2. From my father-in-law- article that talks about how through our cracks and imperfections we can experience Christ's healing power and let His light in.

3. From Young Women in Excellence- a song by Hillary Weeks

He'll Carry You

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn’t face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he’s never left your side

Chorus:
He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He’ll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he’ll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

Chorus:
And when there are moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you’re crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

Chorus:
That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

Wyatt turns 8!

Wyatt is 8!  He is such a sweet boy.  He has a very tender spirit, but has a wild and feisty side too.
He loves Legos and puzzles and non-fiction books.

He has been reading lots of books lately about snakes and reptiles so we made him a rattle snake cake in the shape of an 8. For his birthday dinner he chose to go to Taco Bell and invite is best friend, Jared and his family to join us. We had a great time celebrating Wyatt with them.  Even more fun is that Jared turns 8 next week and these boys have decided they want to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and they will be baptized together on December 7th! 

This kid is a gem. He has suffered through so many physical trials in his short life, but he is trooper. 
He is strong (and strong willed!) and will be a great warrior in the fight for good.

his smiles just melt me. Happy Birthday Wyatt! We love you so much and are privileged to be your parents.
 

To write or not to write? that is the question!

(I started this post a week or so ago and still am pondering what to do with these feelings)

I admit I have a little bit of a panic attack every time someone walks up to me and says they have read my blog.  My heart stops for a minute in fear of how they will respond.  Sharing my inner soul and thoughts is not an easy thing for me to do- to feel like I stand before you naked, raw, unprotected, tender and completely exposed- so terrifying!

Sometimes I feel like people look at me differently or avoid me or are hesitant to talk to me after they have read my thoughts here on this blog thing.

I never meant to make you uncomfortable.

I never thought anyone would read my blog.

I write for my therapy.  It brings my mind and soul peace to purge my thoughts.

I don't write for you, I write for me.  I write to heal.

I do not force you to read this or agree with it.

My feelings may make no sense to you and you may feel I am a bit crazy (trust me, I understand that! and my husband feels the same way as you do.)

My feelings may make absolute sense to you and you may feel like, finally, someone understands how you feel. You may cry or shout for joy when you realize you aren't the only one suffering- you are not alone!

I struggle to know if I should share as much as I do (and to be perfectly frank, I don't share everything), but every time I think I should stop putting things down where others can read them, I get an email from someone who has read my blog and has been touched by something I wrote.  I have been so surprised (I shouldn't have been though) how many people have been suffering in silence- people who struggle with things like depression, anxiety, loneliness, bi-polar, and just periods of "the blues".  We can all help and lift one another if we are brave and courageous and vulnerable enough to step out of the darkness and say, "Hi.  My name is Sara and I am struggling." 

Here is my concern, and really it is just that I still don't have a firm, solid sense of self worth, am I losing "friends" by sharing my tender, tortured soul?  (are they really friends if they can't handle the heavier matters of my heart?) Am I making others uncomfortable or maybe a little squirmy in their seats as they read my thoughts?  Should this bother me?  I should be strong enough to say, if you don't like what I write, don't read it. But I am slowly recovering from being a people pleasing perfectionist. And since I am just in the first stages of this recovery, I still want to make everyone happy and comfortable and I want everyone to like me.  So do I continue to write or do we switch this blog back to only the happy, kid-filled picture blog that shares only part of my story?????   

"And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold;

But he that remaineth steadfast and is not overcome, the same shall be saved.

When you, therefore, shall see the abmination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, concertning the destruction..., then you shall stand in the holy place; whoso readeth let him understand.

Then let them...flee into the mountains."

I read this in Matthew and it struck me, made me pause, ponder and apply.

I shall not be overcome.  I need to flee to the Mountain as often as possible.

Starting to take Control

I had a break through yesterday.

I tend to forget that my life is a bit different these days, I forget I can't do as much as I use to. This is actually okay with me, I just forget sometimes. Like yesterday. I did too much. By 3:30 I was exhausted. I could feel myself starting to shut down.  I knew that if I didn't act fast that I would slip into a dark place and the inky, black feelings of hopelessness would wash over me.  Instead of letting that happen, I took action.  I gave myself a break.  I laid on the bed and rested for a bit.  It helped but it wasn't enough.  It was time to figure out something for dinner, do homework, etc.  I didn't have it in me to do it all.  Usually I would have pushed through to do it all and then have crashed hard after, feeling horrible, guilty, and well let's just say I would have been one heck of a hot mess. 

Instead, I calmly told the kids that I was having a hard time, I was tired and I could only handle doing one thing at a time.  That thing for now was dinner.  Audrey was talking non-stop (as usual) and asking me question after question- I felt panic setting in- I couldn't do dinner and answer her questions or even listen to her talk- it was just too much for me to handle at that moment.  Enter my wonderful husband! He got Audrey out and quiet.  He got the kids settled down and out of the way.  I was able to make dinner and just breathe.  By dinner time, my inner self had quieted down.  I was functioning- exhausted but okay.  They kids helped with the dinner clean up, we did bedtime routines, scriptures, etc.  I was moving slow and feeling totally drained but I was okay.  Finally crawled into bed happy with myself for not losing control but taking control.  This was a big step for me.  I did good.

Nate and I ended up staying up later than usual talking and stuff last night.  I woke up and felt good but tired.  So instead of trying to push myself to exercise and fall back into doing too much again, I snuggled with Audrey while I read my scriptures and a talk from the Ensign.  Got the kids off to school and instead of working out, Audrey and I made cookies.  Instead of getting dressed, I am staying in my jammies.  We are heading to the park to play and I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks at the park- jammies, no shower, and all.  I am taking control of my emotions.  I am going to enjoy my life- one day at a time.
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Audreyisms

While licking a beater from the cookie dough she says, "I'm going to lick this baby clean!"

(Please no one comment that raw cookie dough is bad for her or dangerous for her to eat. I grew up licking beaters and I survived! It is one of the perks of being a kid and helping mom in the kitchen.)

While eating dinner last night Audrey started singing, "Jesus gave us food! Jesus gave us food!- that's a new song I made up. It goes like this, Jesus gave us food! Jesus gave us food!"

While watching a video of Crosby and Nash (some of Dad's favorite singer/songwriters) she says, "That man has a sad mustache. He just has a sad, sad mustache."
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She is getting Smarter!

here is the note Mara left on top of her bucket of Halloween candy!
She knows us well. In case you can't read it, it says- DO NOT EAT OR Else....(even if you are Mom or Dad.)

A phantom, Luna Lovegood (from Harry Potter) and Glenda the good witch ("good princess")

our good princess

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Let's Pretend?

Last night I read Audrey a new book from one of our favorite authors- Mo Willems. It was the new An Elephant and Piggie Book- I'm a Frog. We love the piggie and Gerald books! They bring deep belly laughs from all of us-no matter how many times we read them.

I'm a Frog was different though. It made me think. I read it 14 hrs ago and am still thinking about it.The book is about pretending. Piggie is pretending to be a frog-it is freaking Gerald out a bit. He doesn't understand why piggie is a frog and he is worried he will turn into a frog- he doesn't want to have to eat flies!

"It is okay, Gerald. It is pretend."

"IT IS THE END!?!"

"No, Gerald. Pre-tend. I am pretending."

"What is pre-tend-ing?"

"Pretending is when you act like something you are not."

"Wow... And you can just do that?! You can just go out and pretend to be something you are not!?"

"Sure. Everyone pretends."

"Even grown-up people?"

"All the time."

This where I started thinking. Yes, grown ups pretend all the time, but should we?

Is pretending a child's game or a way of life? Do we pretend to be okay in hopes that one day we will be? Is it okay to pretend we know what we are doing or is it better to honestly say we don't have a clue? Is pretending a means to an end? If I pretend to understand and then work hard to figure it out until true understanding comes, is that okay or deception? If someone asks me how I am doing, do I pretend to be good so as not to add stress to the person's life or to prevent them from being uncomfortable or to just get out of the situation as soon as possible? When does pretending turn into lying or deception? Where is the line? How much truth is too much? How much sharing is too much?Glennon Melton talks about this a little in her book, Carry On, Warrior. She had decided to be completely honest in everything she said.  She was going to be free and introduce herself to everyone by letting them know exactly who she was-she was a recovering drug addict, alcoholic, bulimic, and jail bird.  Her sister pleaded with her not to do this.  She told her to she needed to filter.  And by filter she meant lie. For the sake of Glennon's kids and family, her sister told her to lie to people and not be so honest. There is definitely a line you should not cross and airing your dirty laundry to every person you talk to is not the answer, but what is the answer? Should adults pretend or should we, at all times be truthful beings? I don't have the answers, but would love to know your thoughts- if you have any feelings about "pretending" let me know- either comment below or email me at sebingham78 at gmail dot com.

I do believe having a positive attitude is very important and if we focus on the good things in our lives, the hard things don't seem so bad. I guess we are not necessarily pretending to have it all together when we keep the focus on the positive things in our lives and quietly acknowledge that there are challenges but that we won't let them rule our lives. All I know is that I have spent years pretending to be someone I wasn't and I am done with that, but when does being honest and open become over sharing? I don't want to plaster on the "fake" Sara ever again but at times I fear being real with certain people and it seems easier to pretend then to deal with people. I have always preferred to be alone and on my own- way easier than dealing with people! Even as a kid my parent's said I liked to play by myself. I remember always feeling overwhelmed with all the noise and craziness a family of 9 would bring, so I would go hide in my closet with a good book and just read and enjoy the quiet. I am a loner who pretends to want to be fun and involved in things but really prefers to at home alone or with my little family. Why do we all pretend even as grown up people?
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