Teen Spirit

While waiting in a examine room at the doctor's office, Mara out of the blue says, "I need deodorant!"

Confused and startled by the urgency in her voice I said,"uh? What?"

Sad Mara- her stinky pits must be bumming her out.

"My arm pits stink Mom. I need to wear deodorant."

"Well, okay, we can get you some. It also might help if you shower a bit more often."

"I know-I know." (Mara doesn't like to take time away from reading, sleeping, or crafting to do something so boring as showering.)

"Did someone tell you you smell or something?"

"No, when you and Wyatt left the room a minute ago, I smelled my arm pits and they stink!"

"Ha Ha Ha!"

Love this growing up girl! (I don't love the growing up part, just the girl!)

Mara with her cousin Noah (august 2013)

Church

I feel panicky. I feel myself shutting down inside. I seem to feel like this and struggle with this each week. I thought it was the comparing, people only seeing my flaws, not seeming as together as everyone else thing, but as I sit here panicking, I realize it isn't those things at all. I am not comparing myself to everyone. I am just panicking about having to talk to people. Talking to people when it is more than one or two people around makes me freak out a bit. I tend to talk and talk and say nothing and repeat myself over and over again because I am nervous and panicking NOT because I want to say something or have anything of any importance to say. Seriously, what if someone comes up to me and wants to talk?  What do I do?  Anyone else feel like this?? Any suggestions on overcoming this?


That is what I wrote as church was beginning today.  I was trying to take deep breathes and make it through but Audrey was having a melt down and I was on the verge of my own melt down.  I knew I should talk or text someone I felt safe sharing these feelings with but church was just starting and I couldn't leave my kids alone while I went to have a melt down.  So I blogged and breathed.  And then Audrey fell asleep(!) and the last speaker stood up and my panicking subsided as she began to speak.  She was sharing her feelings about Elder Holland's talk from Conference!  She shared her own experiences with anxiety and depression.  I sat there, snuggling my baby girl, tears running down my face.  She knows how I feel.  The Lord gave her the courage to share today the things I needed to hear to help me survive my Sunday.  I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hug her so tight (but I didn't because I have this issue with touching.)  I felt peace as she spoke.  I am so grateful for her talk and her thoughts.  I know it must have been challenging and scary for her to share, but I know she touched many lives today. 

I wanted to thank her for her talk but was afraid if I went up to her to tell her how much it meant to me, that I would start to bawl and scare her.  It just so happens that I had some stuff in my car that I was suppose to drop off to her later today.  During the exchange of stuff from my car to hers, I planned to thank her, but what she said to me first amazed me.  Before I could thank her she says she had friended me on facebook, found my blog and started reading it!  It had given her some of the courage she needed to share her experiences in church today!  We are helping each other through these tough times and we didn't even know it!  So grateful that the Lord prompted me to start blogging my feelings.  I started writing as therapy for myself.  I honestly didn't think anyone would read or be interested in my thoughts, but I was wrong.  I have had so many emails and texts from people after they have read my thoughts- there are so many people out there hurting and thinking they are alone! We are not alone!  we can fight this together and be stronger together and we can support one another.  The Lord loves us. He leads us to those who can help us or understand us or both! 

Today there were a few tender mercies that helped me survive this day.  They each came from a different sister:

- one sister, who I do not know at all, picked a song to sing I have never heard before but that contained these words "Help me reach a friend in darkness; Help me guide him thru the night. Help me show the path to glory By the Spirit's holy light." (this reminded me of a sacred moment I had on Thursday while attending the temple with my Mom and two of my sisters- still processing all that I learned that day- may blog about it later.)

-the second sister is my best friend.  I felt prompted to go to hear her give a lesson in her ward this morning.  She shared (and other sister's in the room shared) things that my heart and soul needed to hear.  She quoted from two talks- Elder Cook and Elder Holland (this is the speech I posted about the other night- Lessons from Liberty Jail.)  She talked of bondage and how to free ourselves.  I was touched by the Spirit to know some things I need to work on.

-the third was the sister in my ward who spoke in Sacrament- I barely know her, but now I look forward to getting to know her better. 

these are the things that remind me the Lord loves me.  He knows what I need, when I need help and how to best help me.  God is real.  No one can make me believe otherwise.  He shows Himself to me when I take the time to let Him in my life. He has never failed me.  I have failed Him, but He forgives me and sends me even more love.  There is darkness in my life at times, but "Brightly beams Our Father's mercy from His lighthouse evermore."

Birthday Girl

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ARP

Today I had the chance to visit with a good friend who moved away from Vegas this summer. It was great to see her and talk to her. We talked about real things-not just the surface stuff. It felt nice to be real with her.

Tonight I had the chance to accompany my mom to an ARP meeting (we went to the family support group to help with our family's struggle with the addictions of one of my siblings.) We talked about real things-not just the surface stuff. It felt nice to be real with my mom and a group of perfect strangers.

I learned much tonight- from the missionaries there, the readings from the recovery manual, other's thoughts and experiences, and from the Spirit.

I came to understand that, like my mom said, everyone needs to go to these meetings! One man commented that they should change the name of the program from Addiction Recovery Program to How to Become a Disciple of Christ. I completely agree!

One man shared his thoughts on the Brother of Jared (Ether chapters 1-3 and especially 6) and the Jaredites trip to the Promised land in the eight barges. I won't be able to say any of this as well as he did but hopefully I can get the idea down so I won't forget.

He said that before the Lord sent them on their journey, He gave them Light so they wouldn't cross the ocean in darkness. During the journey they were tossed about and plunged down into the deep darkness. They always came back up. The wind blow them constantly toward the promised land. Sometimes the water was rougher than others but they were always moving forward toward their goal. During all of this the never ceased to pray or give thanks- even in the deepest, roughest of times. That wind that blew constantly was a blessing- helping them get to where they needed to be.

-the Lord did not intend for me to cross my ocean or endure my journey in darkness- I was given Light at the beginning of my journey here on earth- I just need to keep that light alive.

-even if there are trials and challenges in my path, I am headed to my promised land and those trials and challenges are just part of the journey.

-i can't forget to pray constantly and in all things give thanks

-the Lord does not intend for me to endure this journey in darkness!!!!!!

This talk was brought up during the meeting. Fabulous!
Please read-Elder Holland- Lessons From Liberty Jail.
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Leaves

We brought the kids to Utah for the week so they could experience Fall. This was all new for Audrey. While walking around temple square in Salt Lake City yesterday she saw some leaves falling from a giant tree. She stopped and watched, fascinated. She says to my mom, "Grandma look! The leaf is falling down, down down! Why is it doing that?"

She was beyond excited when she felt the leaves crunch under her feet as we walked today. It took forever to get to the car after birthday shopping- she had to stop and jump on every single leaf. Oh how I wish we lived in a place with real fall weather and falling, colorful leaves.
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Loved

Things have been a bit stressful in our lives the last week or so.  This is life.  No real complaints, but part of this earthly experience.  It has all made me think and ponder.

I was scheduled to be part of jury panel for a 4 week trial.  I was suppose to start yesterday.  We had planned to come to Utah to celebrate Audrey's 4th birthday, but this jury duty was getting in the way.  Thursday I got a call saying I was excused- BLESSING!!

Last Tuesday Wyatt was saying his stomach hurt and then he vomited a few times and was able to go to sleep. Woke the next morning feeling totally fine.   He had a couple good nights so we decided to go ahead and go to spend a week at Grandma's house. Then the stomach pains started again and repeated most nights for the past week.  He didn't vomit every night, thankfully.  The pain seemed to get worse as the week went on. We thought it was a virus, but he had no fever or any other symptoms.  Finally called a doctor in the middle of the night.  After talking to her for awhile she said it might be an ulcer or a small blockage or something- go get him checked out.  I was getting ready to take him to the ER when he vomited.  He said he felt fine now that he threw up and just wanted to go to sleep, so I let him. The next morning we took him to the instacare near my parents house.  They were perplexed. They didn't find any blockages and said to take him to ER that night if the pain was bad again.  Talked with a few nurses and other friends.  Everyone felt it was an ulcer.  My Dad and Nate gave him a Priesthood blessing. We treated him for an ulcer - it worked!  Last night was vomit and pain-free!!!  Feel so blessed.  We will continue to treat it as an ulcer until we can get home to his Doctor and get confirmation or different diagnosis.

My sister-in-law's son (my nephew) was not feeling well this morning- she was taking him to the doctor.  As we text back and forth this morning, she made mention of something that I had been thinking about while out exercising this morning.  Why do these two boys (Wyatt and my nephew) have to go through so much physical pain and suffering?  She said the Lord must have something very special for them.  I too have been thinking so much about that.  Wyatt has had so much illness in his short life.  He has been miraculously healed on a few occasions. His life has been spared a couple times.  He should not still be here with us, but thanks to miracles, he is.  I can't help but believe that these two boys have a great mission ahead of them.  As my sister-in-law mentioned, they will have strong testimonies of the power of the priesthood.  I feel because of the trials they are enduring at this young age, they will, no doubt, be able to bear a strong, powerful and deep testimony of the Priesthood as they go out to serve missions and help others feel the love of God.

I began to think of all the blessings I see in my life each day.  I use to be so busy that I couldn't take the time to see and recognize God's hand in my life.   Now that I have slowed down, I see, on a daily basis,  the Lord's hand in my life. I see His tender mercies.  I see and feel His love for me and my family.

Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are very aware of each of us.  They love us.  They watch over and help us throughout our lives.  I know many people do not believe this.  Many ask, "If God loved us so much, then why do bad things happen?"  As I have grown up and gone through many good and bad experiences, I have come to learn that bad things happen and trials arise not because God isn't real or isn't aware of us or doesn't care, but because He does care.  He wants us to learn and grown and become more like Him. To do these things, we must face hard things. We must learn to endure trials and challenges and pain and suffering.  When we go through these things we have the opportunity to learn and grow and draw near unto our Father.  It is only through the trials of life that we can have a deep and abiding relationship with our Savior and our Father.

I have also learned (and was reminded this week) how much our Father hates to see us suffer.  It has been so hard to see Wyatt in pain and not be able to make it go away.  My heart was breaking as I watched him double over in pain.  Our Heavenly Father feels the same as He watches us suffer and knows that is hard for us but also necessary to help us become stronger and better in the end.  Wyatt's suffering will not be in vain- it will make him stronger, more compassionate towards others, more humble, more reliant on the Lord.  He will see my love for him and feel his Heavenly Father's love for him as well.  When we weep, we do not weep alone.  There are those not in this mortal life who have gone before us, that watch over us, help us and weep with us.  Our suffering does not have to be in vain- we can chose to make it develop us, make us better and stronger and more aware of God's hand in our lives.  God lives. He loves us.  In times of trial and suffering, we can turn to Him and receive the comfort and strength to endure all things.  This I KNOW.  If you are unsure of this or doubt it, get on your knees and talk with your Father in Heaven- He will hear and answer you.  Then, start watching all the little miracles that happen in your life on a daily basis- you will be amazed.  Take time to thank Him for those miracles and your heart will swell with love.  These things I promise you.

Happiness

Saturday Morning I went for my first walk/incredibly slow and painful jog of this vacation.  It was cold and beautiful and leaves were crunching under my feet.  I felt renewed and refreshed.  It was well worth the 7 hour drive the night before to see and feel autumn-real autumn- not Vegas "autumn".  My spirit was lifted. I felt like I could breathe deeply.  I was home.

My mom and sister say the colors this year are very muted and not as pretty as normal.  I say, Shut it! this is gorgeous to me!  I haven't seen the colors of fall for several years!

Heaven

I may not go back to Vegas.

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Wish I lived here...

Here are some shots from my walk/jog this morning. 

It will be hard to go home to brown, desert, dirt and cactus.

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maybe

Maybe it is about catching glimpses of my true self and not about being the "old me". Maybe it is like when we have glimpses of heaven.  Maybe I am so focused on trying to get back to "normal" that I am missing the point of it all.  In my struggles and attempts to regain life as I knew it, I may just be missing the bigger picture.  I need to stop trying to regain what life was like and learn to enjoy, accept, and embrace a new way of life.  I am sure I am missing out on great things while I am busy trying to get back what I lost.  I do have to say that I LOVE this not busy life style I have had to adopt.  I love just hanging with my kids. I love taking time to read to them, braid their hair, snuggle up and watch a movie together.  I enjoy just sitting down and breathing-not feeling stressed to do this or that or hurry up the kids so I can get more done in a day.  Life is more peaceful in many ways- one of the "perks" of depression I guess.  It has taught me to slow down and find ways to enjoy what I have.

Met with my Bishop last night.  It was good. Really good.  He gave me some things to do (most importantly he told me to prepare [and follow] a detailed plan for exactly what I am going to do when I start to feel the darkness come.)  He helped me to see this all from another perspective.  He gave me permission to not be perfect :) and let me know that it is okay to ask for help-that may sound dumb but I think it is what I really needed to hear. Today I felt a little more hope as I let the things we talked about and decided upon sink in.  I am to the point where most days are good days. The light out weighs the darkness now.  I just need to keep on keeping on so we don't reverse that.  So much more going through my head right now, but I think I need more time to process it all before I write.

What Audrey wants to be when she grows up

While french braiding Audrey's hair just now, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said the following:

I want to be bunny!! No, I want to be a Princess.

Wait if I grow up to be princess, then I have to stop galloping around! (I said she could have a horse and have it gallop.) NO! I don't want to be a princess! (Starting to cry) I just want to be a human!!! I don't want to grow up!

Mara asked, " Do you want to be mom?"

No! I want to be a human. Wait! A mom is a person, I want to be a mom because a mom is a person so a mom is human. I want to be a mom when I grow up.

Audrey sure does keep us laughing. Love that little human!
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A few tears is helpful

I was feeling good and strong this morning.

1:30pm found me weak, vulnerable and down.
(despite the inner struggle I was facing all through church, the Lord was talking to me through every talk and every lesson. He even reminded me of a favorite scripture that has helped me numerous times in my life- Alma 26:27.  He loves me. I just have a hard time accepting it sometimes.)

5:30pm felt uplifted from a scripture text to me from my amazing friend I blogged about this morning.

6:30pm emotions were about to get the better of me and what happens? Nate asked me to say the prayer at dinner. I knew this was not a good idea. I was going to cry through the whole prayer, no way around it. So I said it short and sweet, to which Mara replies, "Wow! That is the shortest prayer you have ever said!" Then she adds, "I guess since you talked to Grandpa on the phone today he gave you his crying in prayers disease again.". Well, glad she thinks I get it from my dad and not that it is really from being a muddled, emotional wreck of a mom.

7:45pm-Nate finds me praying and asks what is going on. This is the moment I have been postponing and dreading for quite some time. Time to be honest. Time to open my whole heart to him. Time to face my fears. Time to tell him how I really feel inside, to stop hiding this all from him. Deep breath.

We talk. I explain that I haven't talked to him about how bad things inside me really are because 1) my fear that it will be too much for him and he will leave me to go find a wife who isn't crazy.  2)I don't want to be burden or worry to him and 3)my fear he won't understand or say I am just being dramatic.

All my fears were unfounded. He is a good man. For some reason he still loves me. Does he understand what I am going through? No, not really but he is compassionate and tender. He will do all he can to help and protect my fragile self.

Now onto the next step. Talking to someone who can help me deal with the times the darkness starts to surface. Most days now I feel pretty good. The darkness is occasional instead of constant. I will keep working and fight this. I am not my depression. This will not define me. I will let it develop me. I am a Daughter of God and that is the only definition that matters.


p.s.-
Read this on facebook today by Glennon Melton (momastery blogger) and found it very fitting to my day today. Tomorrow is a word that brings me hope.

Today wasn't my best day. I woke with good intentions, but then I started numbing out with food and forgot to ARISE from that. I stayed numb and disengaged from my people - which means that now I feel yucky. BUT: NO PROBLEM. It happens. And the beauty of life is that tomorrow is brand new. I WILL BE BRAND NEW TOMORROW! AMAZING! This quote is a Momastery fave- and tonight it's for all my friends who forgive themselves for today and look forward to tomorrow. Love. 

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." RW Emerson

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Old vs New

So I was talking with a friend on Friday and I keep thinking about a comment she made.

She was talking about how after a year of therapy she is frustrated that she isn't back to who she was before and that she still isn't able to handle things like she use to.

I can totally see and understand her frustrations.

But the more I have thought about this, the more I wonder if I had the chance to go back and be who I was before all the bouts of depression, would I really, truly want to be that old me?

Somethings I would want (less grey hair for example), but really, there is so much I have learned and there is growth in my soul that I wouldn't want to give up. I am a better person in some ways because of this trial. I see it in my friend too. She is stronger in many ways (she will absolutely deny this, but it is still true.) I have seen how she has changed and I am proud of her for all she does and all she handles- she is pretty amazing. She has changed and her trials have changed her life. Going back seems so easy and comfortable but I think she would lose some of who she is.

I have come to accept that I will never be the same as I was before. And I am okay with that.

I know this trial has made me a more compassionate person- I am less judgmental-I am closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I have been able to have some great conversations with family and friends about life, depression, hard things, and God's love. I am learning to deal with emotions without food (so grateful for that!!!) I am stronger in many ways and I am weaker in others, but weaknesses can humble us and then through the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, I can one day make those weak things become strong.

Has any of this been easy? Heck no! Has it been worth it? Can I see the darkness as a blessing in my life? Well, this morning I can say yes (later today or tomorrow my answer my change depending on my mood.) I am starting to see how the darkness I have endured can be used to bring light into my life and into the lives of others who feel the shadowy black hand of despair gripping their heart.

A friend emailed me saying she feels like maybe I have had to go through this so that I would be able to help her as she faced her dark demons. I don't believe that is true, but I am grateful that through my open and honest blogging, she has found the strength to open up and talk about her own trials. It is hard to fight this alone, but if we share our struggles with others we will find the strength to endure and conquer. I have said this before and I will say it again- we can not help succor and lift those in need if we do not know you have a need! We are all children of a loving Father in Heaven, we are all one big family. Family members help each other. But if we are not willing to be a bit vulnerable and admit we struggle with things, then our brothers and sisters can't give us the love, support, and peace we need and deserve.

Well, as usual, this post got really long. Sorry. Just know that we are stronger because of your trials and we are even stronger when we face those trials together, instead of alone. Don't look back and wish for the past. Look forward to the better, stronger, more enlightened you!

"We are children of the light,
Not of darkness nor of night,
and we are on our way
we are on our way, children of the day."  

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Be Kind to Yourself

I have a good friend that has opened up to me since I started blogging and being real.  She too struggles with depression.  I would never have known this about her!  She seemed so together all the time and always has the cutest projects and crafts for her kids and her and her hubby seemed like they were madly in love all the time and life was a breeze for them.  How many people do you see each day that sounds like this wonderful lady??? We tend to see everyone's perfect and only our own struggles.  Guess what? Everyone struggles with something.  Think of that the next time you look at someone and wish you had their life or could be more like them.  You don't see their struggle, but it is there. So be kind to them and kind to yourself.

this good friend and I have been emailing each other back and forth today.  I love her and miss her.  We were talking about the connection between sugar and depression (topic was brought up by an email from one of my sweet sister-in-laws.) here are some things from our emails:

 i was really starting to notice a bad cycle of being stressed, eating my way through the stress and it helped for a few minutes but then it would just be worse. anyway, since i have been writing about my emotions and finding better ways to deal with it than eating my beloved candy, i have found that i am really not hungry all the time like i was before. in fact i forget to eat breakfast and lunch most days-this isn't good either. but i am learning to listen to my body more and eat when i am hungry and to write or talk through my emotions instead of eating them and it works so much better!!! wow- it is basic knowledge, i know, but for some reason i didn't believe that it would work. Exercising has been a huge help for me too. it is hard to feel dark and sad when you are walking and listening to your favorite songs from the 80's.

I hope she doesn't mind me sharing some of her words here:

            I know when I have stayed away from sugar in the past I have felt more like "me". My biggest hang up with it is that it's impossible to stay away from forever and once I give in it's like a terrible train wreck because I can't seem to stop. And then I feel more depressed because of my lack of willpower. Do you ever struggle with this? Is there a better way to deal with it? I love how you connected sugar to feeding the depression though, that's a huge motivator for me.
Isn't it funny that exercise is the best thing for depression but it's also the hardest thing to do when you are depressed. I feel like I only have so much to give in a day and when I use that on exercise my family suffers. It's such a fine balance of trying to take care of yourself and taking good care of your family too.

here are some of my thoughts I emailed to her and thought I would share with you all since I guess I share everything now :)

Oh my heavens!!! Yes I struggle with the whole will power thing! I have never been able to go off sugar because I like it too much and it has always been an all or nothing thing- I can't do just a little bit. And no one normal can stay off sugar forever-that is not realistic at all! I don't have the answer but I do know that I need to cut back on the sugar intake but giving it up completely will just make me want it more. So take baby steps- next time you go to grab a bag a candy, sit down and write about what is on your mind instead and then eat just a little of something good- if you purge your mind by writing maybe the need for the sugar will lessen. It has for me.

As for exercise- it is totally unfair and ridiculous that exercise helps with depression but if you are depressed there isn't enough energy to exercise. I have been doing the wii fit and walking on the treadmill-it helps. Here is the thing, yes you have limited energy to expend. Yes your family is So important. Yes they will "suffer" a little at first BUT they are suffering now by not having the real you! They will survive as you start using your energy to make yourself feel better by exercising and then the awesome thing is, if you do it on a regular basis you will feel better emotionally and you will start to have more energy to take care of yourself AND your family.

It is tough friend. It is doable. We can support and encourage each other. Go see someone if you need!. The Lord prepared priesthood leaders, priesthood blessings, therapists and even medications to help with things like this. He wants us to be happy and find joy in our lives-sometimes we need the help of others to find it. Hugs!

Also- don't beat yourself up for not doing everything everyday! Today I stood in my bathroom ready to put on my workout clothes and the thought was too overwhelming when there were things I had to do today-so I got in the shower instead. Normally I would tell myself how lazy and bad I am for not exercising but today I told myself-good job on making a decision that will make your day less stressful. Tomorrow I will workout a few extra minutes and all will be well. I also ate a pumpkin bar for breakfast and was okay with that, because sometimes you need to. It was just one and then I walked out the door for school and didn't beat myself up about it. I just ate a salad for lunch and one more pumpkin bar and it was enough. It use to be that I would eat half a pan by myself- once I took one bite I couldn't stop til I was sick. I think it has to do with how we feel about ourselves- back when I ate til I was sick, I did not like myself and told myself how awful of a person I was all the time. Today I am kinder to myself. I celebrate the little victories and don't dwell too long on the mess ups. It has been a slow painful process but I see light ahead. I am walking toward the light and trying to leave the darkness behind. There is joy to be had and I want some! let's go find it! We are awesome and we deserve it!

You are all awesome too! So go out and find your joy and happiness- you deserve it!!!!

The 3 little Monkeys

Mara will not let me take her picture- the little stinker- so this is the best I could get of her!

Mara and I made a Halloween wreath for our door with stuff
we found in our craft bins! Not too bad for our first try.

Mara is in 5th grade and currently working on building a model of the Thomas Jefferson Memorial out of Legos. She is memorizing the states and their capitals, Gettysburg address, star spangled banner and much more. This school year is fun and challenging for her. She is excelling at piano and loves all things music, art or book related. She is all girl and it is certainly a challenge for me! I don't really know how to do hair or have any sort of fashion sense so the poor girl is on her own! She has recently decided to grow out her hair to donate to locks of love- her hair is SO thick and wavy and has so many natural highlights- it will make a beautiful wig for someone. Proud of her!


Wyatt was chosen as student of the month! His teacher said, "Wyatt is an excellent student. He comes to school every day happy and ready to learn. Wyatt is responsible and stays on task to complete his work. He participates, helps others and gets along well with his peers.". We love this sweet, sensitive boy. The poor kid is usually the only boy around our house and is at the mercy of what his sisters want to do. He loves Legos and any kind of puzzle or logic problem. So much like is Dad!

He is such a funny kid- always ready to pose for a picture.

Audrey will be 4 in a couple weeks. She is full of spunk! She loves to color and spends quite a bit of her day coloring. She loves to sing and today as she was walking around the house she was singing her version of "I am a Child of God": I am a child of God and so my knees are gray. Gotta love this girl! We had the missionaries over to watch conference with us yesterday and it was fun. Audrey is madly in love with Elder Park. She will be so sad when he is transferred.

darkness vs light

I have been really thinking, pondering and studying about darkness and light.  The darkness that lurks inside me has a purpose- lessons for me to learn from, but not sure what. Most of what I am finding in the scriptures and in talks by general authorities talk about spiritual darkness is brought on by disobedience, sin, and spiritual neglect.  I understand that darkness but the darkness I feel is not from sin or disobedience.  It is something darker and deeper that comes out of nowhere and at random moments.  How do I battle something I don't yet understand?  Is this caused by something I am doing or not doing spiritually????

Isaiah 50:10-11-Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.

 11 Behold, all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow.

1 John 1:5-This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.

John 8:12-Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

John 12:35-36-Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.

 36 While ye have light, believe in the light, that ye may be the children of light. These things spake Jesus, and departed, and did hide himself from them.

Acts 26:18-To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.

1 John 2:8-11-Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.

 9 He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now.

 10 He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him.

 11 But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and awalketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.

this gives me some hope-2 nephi 19:1-6 - 1 Nevertheless, the dimness shall not be such as was in her vexation, when at first he lightly afflicted the bland of Zebulun, and the land of Naphtali, and afterwards did more grievously afflict by the way of the Red Sea beyond Jordan in Galilee of the nations.

 2 The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light; they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.

 3 Thou hast multiplied the nation, and increased the joy—they joy before thee according to the joy in harvest, and as men rejoice when they divide the spoil.

 4 For thou hast broken the yoke of his burden, and the staff of his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor.

 5 For every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood; but this shall be with burning and fuel of fire.

 6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

this is my goal- Doctrine and Covenants 88:67 -And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.

    this is how to get there: 88:63-Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Elder Robert D. Hales said in his talk, "Out of Darkness into His Marvelous Light,"

     "Moment by moment, breath by breath, our lives are granted to us and are renewed. So it is with       spiritual light. It must be renewed in us on a regular basis. We must generate it day by day, thought by thought, and with daily righteous action if we are to keep the darkness of the adversary away.

    "Unless you are fully engaged in living the gospel—living it with all of your “heart, might, mind and strength”  —you cannot generate enough spiritual light to push back the darkness."

These are the thoughts I was having and things I was studying.  Still felt there must be something I am missing. For sure, the modern day prophets and apostles have to have addressed the darkness of depression, right????  I was feeling lost and then the Missionaries stopped by.  I asked them to let me know if they come across any talks or scriptures about darkness that has nothing to do with sin or lack of knowledge of the gospel.  They shared some of the above scriptures.  Said they couldn't think of any scripture stories at the moment except for maybe Job.  They also said, maybe it has to do with the affects of someone else's sin that can bring darkness.  I pondered these things and agreed with some of it but still felt like there has to be more.   

General Conference  is today and tomorrow.  I have often heard that if we pray for guidance in our lives or answers to our questions and concerns, and listen to conference with the right attitude, then the Spirit would answer those questions.  I have never really tried this, but in desperation, today I watched with a prayer in my heart and having asked the Lord for specific guidance.  And miracles happened.

First, Elder Robert D. Hales spoke.  He was quoting President Lee and said something like this: If we follow the prophets, the power of darkness will be dispelled from before us.  Ponder and pray about what we are taught and then go and do.  This is what I took from it- it is dependent on faith.  I need stronger and deeper faith (shield of faith to block the fiery darts of the adversary) to fight the darkness.

Second, Elder Edward Dube spoke.  He said to not look back.  The past is to be led from not lived in. Look ahead, faith is always pointing to the future. Look ahead and believe. Stand close together and lift where you stand.

Third, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke. "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

Next, President Boyd K Packer spoke. Scriptures are the key to our spiritual protection. Keep your covenants. Be not afraid, only believe. Turn to the Savior.

All of these talks seemed to be answers to my prayers. And then...

Elder Jeffery R. Holland spoke.  

This was truly the miracle I desperately needed.  He spoke openly of depression.  He shared his personal experience with it.  He shared President George Albert Smith's battle with depression.  He spoke to my heart.  He spoke to my soul.  He helped me know God is truly aware of me.  Here is what I heard:
-The dark night of the mind (a darkness that isn't from sin!)
-do not be embarassed by this trial that you battle
-NEVER lose faith in Heavenly Father's love
-seek council from those who have the keys and stewardship to help you
-seek priesthood blessings
-take the sacrament weekly
-believe in miracles-they WILL come
-Hope is never lost
-watch for stress indicators in yourself
-fatigue is a common enemy
-try not to be overwhelmed
-be patient- stand still and wait on the Lord
-there is still much to hope for an be grateful for
-Trust in God
-Hold on in His love
-all shadows of mortality will flee

I know that Light chases away darkness.  Darkness can never overpower Light (unless we give into the darkness and turn off the light.)  Christ is the light.  His word is the light.  As I strive to fill my life with more light and follow the things Elder Holland said, I can handle the darkness that comes and hopefully minimize the number of times the darkness tries to seep into my soul.  There is still much to learn and ponder. But today, a miracle happened.  I can not deny that.  So grateful for Elder Holland for addressing such a tender topic.

Hello...and Goodbye

I began this post yesterday but never finished it due to playing and reading to my kids too much (guess you can't do too much of that!) Today I expected things to be much like yesterday, but you will see I was sorely mistaken.

Today (Tuesday) something happened- something inside clicked or fell into place-I felt it.

I have felt "off" for such a long time. I had given up on every feeling "normal" again. I knew I wouldn't be in the deep, dark forever but I truly didn't believe I would ever feel like "me" again.

However, as I was working on projects around the house today, I felt happy. I felt like, Hello! There I am! I'm back! I can't really explain it but something was just different, different good.

 I WANTED to do things. I was excited to start a new knitting project, I wanted to work on some craft projects and organize things- I haven't felt like doing these things in, what seems like, forever. I enjoyed hanging out with my kids. I went outside and introduced myself to my neighbor. I enjoyed making dinner. This probably won't make sense to anyone but I actually cleaned my sliding glass door-it has needed it for about 6 months now but I would look at it and every time it just seemed too hard to wipe off all those fingerprints-I just couldn't do it- until today! I just kept feeling so good and so like my old self that I thought was gone forever.

3 things that may be contributing to my good feelings:
1-Tender Mercies- reminding me of God's love and awareness of me. Truly understanding that blessings are predicated on obedience.

2-spending a wonderful weekend with Nate with out kids for part of it.

3-cooler temperatures-makes a huge difference for me!


.....Woke up this morning (Wednesday) and wanted another day like yesterday-in fact, I expected it. I thought I was back, but then I realized maybe it doesn't work like that.

Today has not been so good. There is a large, shadowy black hand reaching up inside me from the deep dark and it is trying to pull me down.

I don't understand it. How could yesterday be so bright and full of promise just to wake up to such feelings of darkness and despair? Dang I am sick of this! I hate that my kids and husband have to deal with me. I hate the darkness that is always threatening to take over my heart.

Tears are threatening every few minutes today.

I have started and stopped this post several times over the last 2 days.  Let me wrap it up with this:
The tears escaped as I drove home from Blue Diamond with 2 toddlers in the back seat.  Instead of yelling to the heavens (again), "WHY ME????"  I quietly prayed to ask if there was something I needed to learn from this darkness.  The spirit whispered to me that indeed there was and that there is purpose in all things. This was enough to help me breathe and get under control before dropping off one of the toddlers and grabbing my older kids.  I don't have the answers but I have a place to start.  I think it may all have to do with darkness verses light.  I will think about that some more and let you know what I discover.

And now, good-night!  I just got the fantastic news that I have to report to Jury Duty at 7:15 tomorrow morning-oh joy.

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