Church

I feel panicky. I feel myself shutting down inside. I seem to feel like this and struggle with this each week. I thought it was the comparing, people only seeing my flaws, not seeming as together as everyone else thing, but as I sit here panicking, I realize it isn't those things at all. I am not comparing myself to everyone. I am just panicking about having to talk to people. Talking to people when it is more than one or two people around makes me freak out a bit. I tend to talk and talk and say nothing and repeat myself over and over again because I am nervous and panicking NOT because I want to say something or have anything of any importance to say. Seriously, what if someone comes up to me and wants to talk?  What do I do?  Anyone else feel like this?? Any suggestions on overcoming this?


That is what I wrote as church was beginning today.  I was trying to take deep breathes and make it through but Audrey was having a melt down and I was on the verge of my own melt down.  I knew I should talk or text someone I felt safe sharing these feelings with but church was just starting and I couldn't leave my kids alone while I went to have a melt down.  So I blogged and breathed.  And then Audrey fell asleep(!) and the last speaker stood up and my panicking subsided as she began to speak.  She was sharing her feelings about Elder Holland's talk from Conference!  She shared her own experiences with anxiety and depression.  I sat there, snuggling my baby girl, tears running down my face.  She knows how I feel.  The Lord gave her the courage to share today the things I needed to hear to help me survive my Sunday.  I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hug her so tight (but I didn't because I have this issue with touching.)  I felt peace as she spoke.  I am so grateful for her talk and her thoughts.  I know it must have been challenging and scary for her to share, but I know she touched many lives today. 

I wanted to thank her for her talk but was afraid if I went up to her to tell her how much it meant to me, that I would start to bawl and scare her.  It just so happens that I had some stuff in my car that I was suppose to drop off to her later today.  During the exchange of stuff from my car to hers, I planned to thank her, but what she said to me first amazed me.  Before I could thank her she says she had friended me on facebook, found my blog and started reading it!  It had given her some of the courage she needed to share her experiences in church today!  We are helping each other through these tough times and we didn't even know it!  So grateful that the Lord prompted me to start blogging my feelings.  I started writing as therapy for myself.  I honestly didn't think anyone would read or be interested in my thoughts, but I was wrong.  I have had so many emails and texts from people after they have read my thoughts- there are so many people out there hurting and thinking they are alone! We are not alone!  we can fight this together and be stronger together and we can support one another.  The Lord loves us. He leads us to those who can help us or understand us or both! 

Today there were a few tender mercies that helped me survive this day.  They each came from a different sister:

- one sister, who I do not know at all, picked a song to sing I have never heard before but that contained these words "Help me reach a friend in darkness; Help me guide him thru the night. Help me show the path to glory By the Spirit's holy light." (this reminded me of a sacred moment I had on Thursday while attending the temple with my Mom and two of my sisters- still processing all that I learned that day- may blog about it later.)

-the second sister is my best friend.  I felt prompted to go to hear her give a lesson in her ward this morning.  She shared (and other sister's in the room shared) things that my heart and soul needed to hear.  She quoted from two talks- Elder Cook and Elder Holland (this is the speech I posted about the other night- Lessons from Liberty Jail.)  She talked of bondage and how to free ourselves.  I was touched by the Spirit to know some things I need to work on.

-the third was the sister in my ward who spoke in Sacrament- I barely know her, but now I look forward to getting to know her better. 

these are the things that remind me the Lord loves me.  He knows what I need, when I need help and how to best help me.  God is real.  No one can make me believe otherwise.  He shows Himself to me when I take the time to let Him in my life. He has never failed me.  I have failed Him, but He forgives me and sends me even more love.  There is darkness in my life at times, but "Brightly beams Our Father's mercy from His lighthouse evermore."