Dear Kind Soul,
Today my heart was touched by the very unexpected, tender words that you left under the rug by my front door. I am somewhat baffled by all you wrote. I am unaware of what I could possibly have done to deserve your heart felt gratitude, but I am grateful that I was able to help you in some way. The last few months I have been a hermit of sorts, but am feeling stronger and more courageous and hope that soon I will be able to return the love and kindness you sent my way today. Your words and gift brought me to tears and the words from a song I heard long ago came to mind, "Human Kindness is Overflowing". So, thank YOU! How could you have known the thoughts and desires of my heart just before you left your note?? You couldn't have, so your note not only brought me your love but a reminder of my Heavenly Father's love for me. Thank you, dear friend. Thank you.
Forever Grateful,
Sara
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Fall Foods are Dangerous
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| Then I spread it on graham crackers to avoid just eating the whole bowl full of frosting with a spoon |
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Scripture study
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Sleep is Essential
I really hesitated writing my feelings about the last half of my day yesterday. They weren't pretty. I didn't write last night because my emotions were too raw and too close to the surface. I decided to write this now because I have been talking about being open and honest and how important that really is. So if I am going to preach that to others, I sure has heck better be willing to do it myself. Here goes being open and honest:
Yesterday started off so well, especially considering how very little sleep I had the night before thanks to a 3 year old who woke up no less than 7 times. I hung out with my kids, took care of my sick husband, exercised, blogged about how I was doing so good emotionally (how ironic that became as the day progressed!!!) I had high hopes for the rest of the day. And then...
Exhaustion hit me. I started to lose patience and perspective. I needed to fill in for Nate at our Stake's Country Fair. He was suppose to man a booth for a half hour. I was suppose to take cookies. And my friend was part of the live entertainment. It should have been fun, but I was too tired.
I was a bit grumpy by the time we headed over to the fair. It was hot outside- I don't do heat well-at all. Then to make it worse, it was super windy! I pull up to the church and find it pure chaos. I started stressing out- where in the world was I suppose to park? where was the booth I was suppose to man? where did these dang cookies go? How was I suppose to do all this while keeping track of 3 kids on my own? Why is it so hot and windy?????
Finally found a parking spot (which they should have had signs marking that this was the parking for the fair but they didn't), finally found the cookie table but no one was there to tell me what to do with these 4 dozen cookies so I just dumped them on top of a pile of others cookies and stormed off (man I was not a happy person-geez!) and then I had to try to find where this booth was- most of the booths had been taken down and moved inside because of the wind- never found the booth so I gave up and took my kids to at least get some food and watch my friend's musical performance.
That was another nightmare- I know the wind was throwing a wrench into everything but I wasn't dealing with any of it well. Finally got food that my 2 youngest then refused to eat and sat down to watch my friend.
I was just getting worse as the minutes ticked by- I felt like crying, screaming and punching something or someone. I just wanted to run away. I do not do well in crowds and there were people everywhere. I was feeling panicky and soon I could feel myself shutting down. I had to get out of there soon or there was going to be a big, messy scene with me having a total emotional melt down.
The live entertainment was running behind so it was about 20 mins past the time my friend was suppose to perform and I couldn't wait any longer-I was really starting to loose it. On our way out, I did something very un-Christlike (yep, just a couple short hours after blogging that I wanted Christ to be my friend and to better follow His example.) I saw a friend that I haven't seen since she had her baby. I looked up and there she was with her baby and family. Pretty sure we had eye contact- and then I turned my head and moved away as fast as I could. So RUDE!!! I know. I just knew I could not talk to her right then. I just couldn't plaster on a fake smile or say how good she looked and what a cute baby she had or hear about how she was doing- i just couldn't. I felt like I was melting-like my whole body and self and emotions were like jello- not quite liquid not quite solid and very unstable. I felt my eyes sting with tears and panic was pushing me forward. I avoided everyone I could and got to my car as fast as possible. I came home and tried to hold it together.
I just wanted to go hide in a dark corner, curl up into the fetal position and just cry and cry and cry. I didn't though. I should have. I was trying so hard not to loose it and the result was a mean mom. Every noise they made was like finger nails on a chalkboard. I went and hid in my room and zoned out watching shark tank on hulu so I wouldn't kill anyone.
I came out and fixed pancakes for dinner-nothing else- just pancakes. then I yelled at everyone to get ready for bed and get back out here for scripture study. Yeah- it was really spiritual with your mom yelling at you to sit still while we read the scriptures.
And then, and then, we read this "Now this was a plan of thine adversary, and he hath exercised his power in thee. Now I would that ye should remember that what I say unto thee I say unto all.
Yesterday started off so well, especially considering how very little sleep I had the night before thanks to a 3 year old who woke up no less than 7 times. I hung out with my kids, took care of my sick husband, exercised, blogged about how I was doing so good emotionally (how ironic that became as the day progressed!!!) I had high hopes for the rest of the day. And then...
Exhaustion hit me. I started to lose patience and perspective. I needed to fill in for Nate at our Stake's Country Fair. He was suppose to man a booth for a half hour. I was suppose to take cookies. And my friend was part of the live entertainment. It should have been fun, but I was too tired.
I was a bit grumpy by the time we headed over to the fair. It was hot outside- I don't do heat well-at all. Then to make it worse, it was super windy! I pull up to the church and find it pure chaos. I started stressing out- where in the world was I suppose to park? where was the booth I was suppose to man? where did these dang cookies go? How was I suppose to do all this while keeping track of 3 kids on my own? Why is it so hot and windy?????
Finally found a parking spot (which they should have had signs marking that this was the parking for the fair but they didn't), finally found the cookie table but no one was there to tell me what to do with these 4 dozen cookies so I just dumped them on top of a pile of others cookies and stormed off (man I was not a happy person-geez!) and then I had to try to find where this booth was- most of the booths had been taken down and moved inside because of the wind- never found the booth so I gave up and took my kids to at least get some food and watch my friend's musical performance.
That was another nightmare- I know the wind was throwing a wrench into everything but I wasn't dealing with any of it well. Finally got food that my 2 youngest then refused to eat and sat down to watch my friend.
I was just getting worse as the minutes ticked by- I felt like crying, screaming and punching something or someone. I just wanted to run away. I do not do well in crowds and there were people everywhere. I was feeling panicky and soon I could feel myself shutting down. I had to get out of there soon or there was going to be a big, messy scene with me having a total emotional melt down.
The live entertainment was running behind so it was about 20 mins past the time my friend was suppose to perform and I couldn't wait any longer-I was really starting to loose it. On our way out, I did something very un-Christlike (yep, just a couple short hours after blogging that I wanted Christ to be my friend and to better follow His example.) I saw a friend that I haven't seen since she had her baby. I looked up and there she was with her baby and family. Pretty sure we had eye contact- and then I turned my head and moved away as fast as I could. So RUDE!!! I know. I just knew I could not talk to her right then. I just couldn't plaster on a fake smile or say how good she looked and what a cute baby she had or hear about how she was doing- i just couldn't. I felt like I was melting-like my whole body and self and emotions were like jello- not quite liquid not quite solid and very unstable. I felt my eyes sting with tears and panic was pushing me forward. I avoided everyone I could and got to my car as fast as possible. I came home and tried to hold it together.
I just wanted to go hide in a dark corner, curl up into the fetal position and just cry and cry and cry. I didn't though. I should have. I was trying so hard not to loose it and the result was a mean mom. Every noise they made was like finger nails on a chalkboard. I went and hid in my room and zoned out watching shark tank on hulu so I wouldn't kill anyone.
I came out and fixed pancakes for dinner-nothing else- just pancakes. then I yelled at everyone to get ready for bed and get back out here for scripture study. Yeah- it was really spiritual with your mom yelling at you to sit still while we read the scriptures.
And then, and then, we read this "Now this was a plan of thine adversary, and he hath exercised his power in thee. Now I would that ye should remember that what I say unto thee I say unto all.
And behold I say unto you all that this was a snare of the adversary, which he has laid to catch this people, that he might bring you into subjection unto him, that he might encircle you about with his chains, that he might chain you down to everlasting destruction, according to the power of his captivity." (Alma 12:5-6)
I teared up but kept it held in as not to scare my kids with my weeping. I was letting the adversary get to me. When I am this tired, my defenses are down and he gets me good. Sleep is essential to my well being (and everyone's around me.) I gotta figure out how to sleep more!!!!
The kids went to bed and I was so, so tired but my brain wasn't going to let sleep happen yet. I really wanted to run away. I almost text a few friends to see if they wanted to go out but I didn't have the energy or feel stable enough to really do that. I didn't want to talk or think about how I was feeling. I wanted to run away from that. I wished at that moment I lived close to my sister- that I could just go to her house and hang out and listen to her talk about her day and eat some of her good food. I, instead, went to my room, climbed in bed, turned on the lap top Nate and I watched a few episodes of The Great Food Truck Race. I was feeling guilty and empty and worthless. I was just keeping these feelings inside because I didn't want to burden Nate anymore today. As we lay there watching, he reaches over, takes my hand and says "I love you." And it was enough.
I cried a little. Thank my Father in Heaven for my husband. And breathed.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Randomness
I have been thinking lots- not always a good thing! Here are random thoughts I have had this week:
-It is really easy (and really dangerous) for me to start feeling better, stronger, more normal and to slowly stop doing all the things I was doing to get better. I am realizing I must keep doing all the things (exercising, writing in a gratitude journal, praying sincerely, scripture study, reading good uplifting books, honestly sharing my feelings, etc) that helped me claw my way out of the depression. However, since I feel better, the need to do these things doesn't feel so great and so I miss a day here and there and if I am not careful, I will be back in the deep dark world of depression before I know it. I am coming to understand it will be a constant battle the rest of my life to keep the darkness at bay. So today I vow to get back to the basics and not let them fall by the wayside!
-Busy life- I wrote about this a little while ago, but I have learned some new things since I purged my life of everything that wasn't completely essential- keeping it very simple is blissful. I am enjoying life more. Because I am not overly scheduled, I have been able to help out friends at a moments notice when needs arose-that has brought me much joy. I am also getting to know my kids, husband and myself so much better because we have time together-real time, not rushing from one thing to the next. I have a pretty amazing husband and quite awesome kids! I also love that I feel like I can breathe- I feel lighter, more relaxed and happy.
-I have been thinking more about the word Grace- I have decided I really like this word and the more I understand it, the more I like the word. There is a good article about Grace in the September Ensign-you should read it here. There were 2 other good articles on mercy- read them here and here.
-John 15:12-17, Doctrine and Covenants 93:45; 84:63, Luke 12:4, Proverbs 17:17- I need Christ as a friend. The scriptures tell me He wants me to be His friend too. He is also my brother. As I strive to keep the commandments and follow His example, our friendship can grow and deepen. He can help me in times of need and I can strive to share His love and message and apply His Atoning sacrifice so that He did not suffer in vain. Grateful for the scriptures and grateful to know that Christ is not only my Savior but also my Brother and Friend.
-The mornings and nights have FINALLY started cooling off!!!! I just might make it. I might just survive this summer after all!
-go and have a good day friends! Hugs to all of you!
-It is really easy (and really dangerous) for me to start feeling better, stronger, more normal and to slowly stop doing all the things I was doing to get better. I am realizing I must keep doing all the things (exercising, writing in a gratitude journal, praying sincerely, scripture study, reading good uplifting books, honestly sharing my feelings, etc) that helped me claw my way out of the depression. However, since I feel better, the need to do these things doesn't feel so great and so I miss a day here and there and if I am not careful, I will be back in the deep dark world of depression before I know it. I am coming to understand it will be a constant battle the rest of my life to keep the darkness at bay. So today I vow to get back to the basics and not let them fall by the wayside!
-Busy life- I wrote about this a little while ago, but I have learned some new things since I purged my life of everything that wasn't completely essential- keeping it very simple is blissful. I am enjoying life more. Because I am not overly scheduled, I have been able to help out friends at a moments notice when needs arose-that has brought me much joy. I am also getting to know my kids, husband and myself so much better because we have time together-real time, not rushing from one thing to the next. I have a pretty amazing husband and quite awesome kids! I also love that I feel like I can breathe- I feel lighter, more relaxed and happy.
-I have been thinking more about the word Grace- I have decided I really like this word and the more I understand it, the more I like the word. There is a good article about Grace in the September Ensign-you should read it here. There were 2 other good articles on mercy- read them here and here.
-John 15:12-17, Doctrine and Covenants 93:45; 84:63, Luke 12:4, Proverbs 17:17- I need Christ as a friend. The scriptures tell me He wants me to be His friend too. He is also my brother. As I strive to keep the commandments and follow His example, our friendship can grow and deepen. He can help me in times of need and I can strive to share His love and message and apply His Atoning sacrifice so that He did not suffer in vain. Grateful for the scriptures and grateful to know that Christ is not only my Savior but also my Brother and Friend.
-The mornings and nights have FINALLY started cooling off!!!! I just might make it. I might just survive this summer after all!
-go and have a good day friends! Hugs to all of you!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
What brings you to tears?
I have a friend who has struggled with postpartum depression and some other challenging emotional issues. We were talking recently about it all and she mentioned that brushing her teeth can bring her to tears. She can do hard things but this simple little task of brushing her teeth was just asking too much of her.
I have no problem brushing my teeth, but I start to hyperventilate, panic and feel overwhelmed when I need to put my clean clothes away. I can wash, dry and fold them -no problem. I can put away towels, kid's clothes, etc. When I walk into my closet with my stack of freshly laundered clothes, my chest gets tight and I start to get hot. Not sure why putting my clothes away is the issue, but it is. So, I just don't do it most of the time. A pile of clothes teeters on the top of my dresser. On a good day, when I feel put together and sane, I will walk into my closet and put 1 or 2 things away. This makes me feel like I did something hard, but not too hard. I accomplished something good on those days, I put an item of clothing where it belongs. I tried to explain this to my wonderful husband, but he didn't get it. I guess most people don't. He looked at me like I was a little crazy. That look brought these song lyrics to mind,
Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy
Yeah, look at us baby...
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let’s be crazy
Who cares if we’re crazy?
We gotta be crazy
I know that we'’re crazy
So let’s be crazy
Thankfully, he loves me and my crazy. He has been so incredible during, well... everything. Our marriage has been strengthened and become so much better, stronger through all of this. I finally, finally, after seven long years have been able to open up to him and share the secret parts of my heart. I was so afraid he wouldn't want to deal with all those secret parts where I kept my real feelings that aren't always pretty and bright. I was afraid to open up and be honest- it was scary- it might hurt- I might even feel more alone, but Nate proved himself a better man than most. He held me, comforted me, loved me, and lifted me up. Opening up to him was the best thing I have done in a very long time. I love him more each day. He has been a strength. I know that without his love right now, I would still just be crying all the time and hiding from life. We are laughing again. I think for the past seven years we coexisted. Now we love and share and support and are happy and honest. We have an eternal marriage- working to make it a celestial one. So grateful he has stuck with me for the past 12 years- through the good and bad and crazy. All the trials have made us better and for that I am grateful. We don't want easy, we want crazy. So lets be crazy!!!
I have no problem brushing my teeth, but I start to hyperventilate, panic and feel overwhelmed when I need to put my clean clothes away. I can wash, dry and fold them -no problem. I can put away towels, kid's clothes, etc. When I walk into my closet with my stack of freshly laundered clothes, my chest gets tight and I start to get hot. Not sure why putting my clothes away is the issue, but it is. So, I just don't do it most of the time. A pile of clothes teeters on the top of my dresser. On a good day, when I feel put together and sane, I will walk into my closet and put 1 or 2 things away. This makes me feel like I did something hard, but not too hard. I accomplished something good on those days, I put an item of clothing where it belongs. I tried to explain this to my wonderful husband, but he didn't get it. I guess most people don't. He looked at me like I was a little crazy. That look brought these song lyrics to mind,
Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy
Yeah, look at us baby...
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let’s be crazy
Who cares if we’re crazy?
We gotta be crazy
I know that we'’re crazy
So let’s be crazy
Thankfully, he loves me and my crazy. He has been so incredible during, well... everything. Our marriage has been strengthened and become so much better, stronger through all of this. I finally, finally, after seven long years have been able to open up to him and share the secret parts of my heart. I was so afraid he wouldn't want to deal with all those secret parts where I kept my real feelings that aren't always pretty and bright. I was afraid to open up and be honest- it was scary- it might hurt- I might even feel more alone, but Nate proved himself a better man than most. He held me, comforted me, loved me, and lifted me up. Opening up to him was the best thing I have done in a very long time. I love him more each day. He has been a strength. I know that without his love right now, I would still just be crying all the time and hiding from life. We are laughing again. I think for the past seven years we coexisted. Now we love and share and support and are happy and honest. We have an eternal marriage- working to make it a celestial one. So grateful he has stuck with me for the past 12 years- through the good and bad and crazy. All the trials have made us better and for that I am grateful. We don't want easy, we want crazy. So lets be crazy!!!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Freaking Out
I am kinda, sorta, totally freaking out inside!!!!
Mara, my 10 year old, is growing up way to fast (for me)!
She is on the phone with a friend from school right now- shouldn't be a big deal, but it kind of is. She has never really talked on the phone with anyone besides family. Most of her friends up to this point in her life have been friends from church so she would just chat with them at school and church. If they wanted to get together to play, she would have me text their mom.
We came home from shopping for new church shoes for the big kids (more on that in a minute) and there was a message for Mara on the answering machine. Then, before she can return the call, the phone rings. It is her friend. She takes the phone to her room! TO HER ROOM! Not ready for this!
Nate tries to ease my stress by saying, "We really shouldn't freak out until it is a boy calling." WHAT?!?!?! I can't even think about that yet. Her growing up is going to kill me. I almost hyperventilated when we had to go get her training bras, which, by the way, I learned are not called training bras anymore but a bralettes. We just bought her church shoes and she picked ones with a heel! She has always worn ballet flats and now she is wearing a little heel! I don't even wear heels (except on rare occasions.) Just breathe, just breathe- I am going to be okay, some how I will survive this (if not, Nate seems totally calm and cool about it all so he can take over and deal with the preteen and teen years on his own.)
I am so not going to let her know how this is affecting me or she may just use it against me.
Can't she just stay a little girl forever???
Mara, my 10 year old, is growing up way to fast (for me)!
She is on the phone with a friend from school right now- shouldn't be a big deal, but it kind of is. She has never really talked on the phone with anyone besides family. Most of her friends up to this point in her life have been friends from church so she would just chat with them at school and church. If they wanted to get together to play, she would have me text their mom.
We came home from shopping for new church shoes for the big kids (more on that in a minute) and there was a message for Mara on the answering machine. Then, before she can return the call, the phone rings. It is her friend. She takes the phone to her room! TO HER ROOM! Not ready for this!
Nate tries to ease my stress by saying, "We really shouldn't freak out until it is a boy calling." WHAT?!?!?! I can't even think about that yet. Her growing up is going to kill me. I almost hyperventilated when we had to go get her training bras, which, by the way, I learned are not called training bras anymore but a bralettes. We just bought her church shoes and she picked ones with a heel! She has always worn ballet flats and now she is wearing a little heel! I don't even wear heels (except on rare occasions.) Just breathe, just breathe- I am going to be okay, some how I will survive this (if not, Nate seems totally calm and cool about it all so he can take over and deal with the preteen and teen years on his own.)
I am so not going to let her know how this is affecting me or she may just use it against me.
Can't she just stay a little girl forever???
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| Welcome to the world Mara! |
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| Happy 10th Birthday Mara!!!! It has gone by so fast- LOVE YOU! |
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
What a difference a day makes...
Yesterday was a no good, horrible, really rotten day (as those of you who read this blog know.) Today has been a million times better. And here is why:
2. I have an incredible husband who puts up with my mommy tantrums and started my day off at 5:15 by letting me know how much he loves me before he left for work. I just love that man!
3. Rain!!! lots and lots of rain today. AND cool temperatures!! I do not do the heat well, at all. The cool weather today was heaven sent!
4. I did not over schedule my day.
5. I did not make myself finish every job/project I started.
6. I played with my kids- went to the park and went for a walk with Audrey holding my hand and read them silly stories.
7. I exercised
8. I showered!
9. I chose to be happy despite anything that tried to pull me down.
10. I gave myself an attitude adjustment.
11. I practiced breathing techniques my father-in-law sent me after reading yesterday's post.
12. I didn't let anything stress me out.
13. I cooked a yummy dinner from scratch that was healthy and fun- I forgot how much I enjoyed making food- real, home cooked food.
14. Good friends who gave us a garbage bag full of new Legos! This was an incredible gift- still not sure they realize what they were giving up so we will keep them and pass them back to them when their kids are old enough to play with them. Mara and Wyatt have been building for the past hour and a half. I can't help smiling every few minutes as one of them shouts, "AWESOME!!!" "COOL!!" "Did you see this piece? These are so awesome!!!!" Thank you dear friends- best thing to come in a garbage bag-ever!
15. and last, but certainly not least, enjoying some peanut m&ms!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Oh man, What is Wrong with Me???
The last few hours have been monstrous- or rather, I have been monstrous.
I yelled, scolded, nagged, sighed, screamed, threw my phone and stormed out of a room- just like a teenager having a tantrum. Not quite sure what my problem is today. I want to blame it on exhaustion, but I actually slept decent last night (I have struggled with insomnia since I was 17.) I can't blame it on PMS. I wish I could say it was a symptom of depression or there was some logical explanation. There is not, not really. Oh sure, today was busier than I like, Audrey whined ALL DAY LONG, the kids started fighting the second they got home from school, and Nate was later than usual getting home, but none of these excuse my attitude and behavior. I am 35 not 13!
Here is why I love my husband and my kids and my Savior- I was a cranky, mean, hot mess and Nate comes over, hugs me and apologizes for asking me to do something for him earlier (that was when phone was thrown and storming out of the room happened.) Before I can apologize, Mara comes over and hugs me and apologizes for fighting with Wyatt. She said she would try to be better tomorrow. I am trying not to cry at this point. I apologize for my misbehavior and tell her how grateful I am for tomorrows- for a second chance to try to do better than I did today. I am grateful for a Savior who made it possible for me to be forgiven for my rotten behavior today and to have His example of how I should, and can, be.
I have calmed down for now and pray that the Lord sees fit that I wake up tomorrow and have a chance to do better. Let's also pray that everyone in my household gets a good night sleep!
A couple things I realized tonight:
-when I get busy- I get stressed-when I get stressed, I get cranky and short tempered.
-I like check lists- they make me feel organized and like I am accomplishing things (as long as I get things checked off that is.) check lists stress me out- if everything doesn't get checked off the list, I get stressed- when I get stressed, I get mean and impatient.
-Even when I don't write down a check list, I tend to make one in my head-this is worse than a written one- i can't always remember what was on my list and then I get stressed that I forgot something- when I get stressed, I become one hot mess.
-if there is a job that needs to be done, I tend to do it right then (even if it doesn't need to be done for months) and throw my whole self into the job- I can't do anything else else until the job is done or I get stressed- when I get stressed, I become a monster.
-I DO NOT want to be monster anymore! Therefore, I promise the follow:
To the best of my ability I, Sara Bingham, will try not to be a cantankerous monster. I will keep my schedule to a minimum. I will not make a daily check list, mental or paper. I will learn to take my time and realize that every job has a time frame and it is not "do it right this second!!!!" I will take time each day to do some deep breathing as well as something that will bring me peace and joy. I will quietly walk out of a room when I feel my patience failing. I will give myself timeouts when necessary, before I become a problem to those around me. I promise to love myself a little more and to punch Satan in the face a lot more.
Sunday, September 08, 2013
Can't We All Just Be A Little Nicer???
Judging and Gossiping- 2 things that seem to be second nature to women (maybe men too but I am not a man so I don't know how they think and I certainly don't understand how my husband's brain works so I can give no insight on the male's perspective.)
The other day I talked about how the world tells me things and how those things tend to make me put demands on myself that pull me down from the truth of who I am- a Daughter of God. Today I realized that it isn't the world I am listening to. Rather, it is Satan. He is whispering in my ear. He tells me I am not good enough and then images I have seen in media or whatever come to mind and I think, yeah, you are right, I am not good enough. It is Satan I need to fight. The world I can leave behind but Satan will still be there, trying to pull me down. He knows I am not the type to go do some big bad thing- I am not going to wake up tomorrow and decide to start smoking or drinking or rob a bank- instead he works on me in little ways. But those little ways, I am realizing, can be far more devastating than the big things. If he can make me feel like nothing, worthless, a failure, unloved- then he can destroy one of God's daughters. And for every daughter he destroys, he also destroys a family and any future sons and daughters.This is his plan and it is working!!! As daughters of a loving Father in Heaven we must fight! We must remember who we are and whose we are! We must come together to stand for what is right and to remind each other of how awesome we are!
The problem is, instead of standing shoulder to shoulder to battle the evil one, we, as women, tend to let Satan's slithery words seep into our minds and we judge and gossip about one another. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other- or Satan wins. I am guilty as sin at this!
I was visiting with a friend last night and snuggling her new little baby. We started talking about life and the hard things. Then today, I was able to go and listen to a friend give a talk in church (she did great!) The topic of her talk was gossip. Between these two events I have thought a lot about judging and gossip.
I have been really bad all my life at looking at people and quickly judging them. It wasn't until recently that I have had a different approach to looking at people. I am beginning now to see people as children of God who are struggling along each day just like me. They may seem perfect or like they have it all together but I know that they struggle- WE ALL DO!!! The problem is we tend to see only the perfectness of other people and we think people only see our own struggles and weaknesses. We are quick to judge and quick to gossip about it. Both of these things are tools of the adversary and he loves it when we use them-it makes his job easier. We need to be kinder. Judge less and love more. If we see someone having a hard time or not doing things the way we would, stop talking about it behind their backs and walk up to them and offer a hug, helping hand, a listening heart or shoulder to cry on.
I use to (okay still do!) get frustrated with people when I feel like they just "don't get it"- why can't they understand this or that principle??? Don't they understand??? Well, no, they don't and that is fine because none of us are one the same spot along the path of life. When I find myself asking "don't they get it??", I stop and think- why do I get it? What experiences did I go through for me to find understanding on this? Then I realize, I had to go through some tough and rough experiences before I learned. Which means, these people "who don't get it" haven't yet gone through the rough and tough things that teach that particular principle. And then I feel bad for them cause I know what is coming in their lives and so, I send up a prayer for them that when their tough and rough time comes that they will have the strength to hold on and endure. I also have come to understand there is A WHOLE LOT that I don't understand and I am sure there are numerous people who shake their heads at me and think, "Doesn't she get it????" No, not yet, but I am working on it.
Gossip. We are all guilty of this. We often don't realize we are gossiping until after we have helped to spread it. And when it is spread, you can't undo it. My friend had some great insights about gossiping and I wish I would have had paper and pen to write them down. One thing she referenced was this mormonad and I think this talk by N Eldon Tanner. In his talk he said
The other day I talked about how the world tells me things and how those things tend to make me put demands on myself that pull me down from the truth of who I am- a Daughter of God. Today I realized that it isn't the world I am listening to. Rather, it is Satan. He is whispering in my ear. He tells me I am not good enough and then images I have seen in media or whatever come to mind and I think, yeah, you are right, I am not good enough. It is Satan I need to fight. The world I can leave behind but Satan will still be there, trying to pull me down. He knows I am not the type to go do some big bad thing- I am not going to wake up tomorrow and decide to start smoking or drinking or rob a bank- instead he works on me in little ways. But those little ways, I am realizing, can be far more devastating than the big things. If he can make me feel like nothing, worthless, a failure, unloved- then he can destroy one of God's daughters. And for every daughter he destroys, he also destroys a family and any future sons and daughters.This is his plan and it is working!!! As daughters of a loving Father in Heaven we must fight! We must remember who we are and whose we are! We must come together to stand for what is right and to remind each other of how awesome we are!
The problem is, instead of standing shoulder to shoulder to battle the evil one, we, as women, tend to let Satan's slithery words seep into our minds and we judge and gossip about one another. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other- or Satan wins. I am guilty as sin at this!
I was visiting with a friend last night and snuggling her new little baby. We started talking about life and the hard things. Then today, I was able to go and listen to a friend give a talk in church (she did great!) The topic of her talk was gossip. Between these two events I have thought a lot about judging and gossip.
I have been really bad all my life at looking at people and quickly judging them. It wasn't until recently that I have had a different approach to looking at people. I am beginning now to see people as children of God who are struggling along each day just like me. They may seem perfect or like they have it all together but I know that they struggle- WE ALL DO!!! The problem is we tend to see only the perfectness of other people and we think people only see our own struggles and weaknesses. We are quick to judge and quick to gossip about it. Both of these things are tools of the adversary and he loves it when we use them-it makes his job easier. We need to be kinder. Judge less and love more. If we see someone having a hard time or not doing things the way we would, stop talking about it behind their backs and walk up to them and offer a hug, helping hand, a listening heart or shoulder to cry on.
I use to (okay still do!) get frustrated with people when I feel like they just "don't get it"- why can't they understand this or that principle??? Don't they understand??? Well, no, they don't and that is fine because none of us are one the same spot along the path of life. When I find myself asking "don't they get it??", I stop and think- why do I get it? What experiences did I go through for me to find understanding on this? Then I realize, I had to go through some tough and rough experiences before I learned. Which means, these people "who don't get it" haven't yet gone through the rough and tough things that teach that particular principle. And then I feel bad for them cause I know what is coming in their lives and so, I send up a prayer for them that when their tough and rough time comes that they will have the strength to hold on and endure. I also have come to understand there is A WHOLE LOT that I don't understand and I am sure there are numerous people who shake their heads at me and think, "Doesn't she get it????" No, not yet, but I am working on it.
Gossip. We are all guilty of this. We often don't realize we are gossiping until after we have helped to spread it. And when it is spread, you can't undo it. My friend had some great insights about gossiping and I wish I would have had paper and pen to write them down. One thing she referenced was this mormonad and I think this talk by N Eldon Tanner. In his talk he said
"Gossip is the worst form of judging. The tongue is the most dangerous, destructive,
and deadly weapon available to man. A vicious tongue can ruin the reputation and
even the future of the one attacked. Insidious attacks against one’s reputation,
loathsome innuendoes, half-lies about an individual are as deadly as those
insect parasites that kill the heart and life of a mighty oak. They are so
stealthy and cowardly that one cannot guard against them. As someone has
said, 'It is easier to dodge an elephant than a microbe.'”
I hope I can see people as Heavenly Father sees them and not judge them as the world does. I pray that I can check my thoughts and words and find them free of gossip. That when I feel the need to talk about someone, that it may be to praise them for the good they do. This is so easy to say and challenging to do. We can stand together, shoulder to shoulder, to fight Satan and his destructive tools, and together we can find more joy, peace, acceptance and love for others and ourselves. If we help each other, we can do it.
Friday, September 06, 2013
a couple thoughts
Here are two thoughts that go along with my post from last night about simplifying. The first one was send to me last night by my family-in-law (THANKS DAD B!) and the second I just read on pinterest.
"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak."
-Hans Hoffman, painter (1880-1966)
Thursday, September 05, 2013
A Busy Life is a Good Life?
Lots going through my head.
The world tells me to do more and to do it better and faster than everyone else. To try to be Super Mom. And whatever I do, I must make others at least think, I am incredible and can do everything with east-that I have it all together.
The scriptures tell me to "refrain from idleness" (Alma 38:12), "be anxiously engaged in a good cause" (D&C 58:27), and "cease to be idle" (D&C 88:124.)
I don't remember being a stressed out, super busy teenager (my mom may disagree with that!) I was super worried- always have been-always will be- it is just part of me. I had school and soccer, but not a million other things going on and that was fine. I didn't play any instruments, join a lot of clubs or do tons of extra curricular activities. (And I still got into colleges and even got a few scholarships. shocking-I know!)
I had been accepted into BYU and Westminster College- I couldn't afford Westminster,even with my scholarship, so BYU was where I was headed the fall after high school graduation. Right before I was suppose to start, I decided I didn't really want to go to BYU so I didn't. I flew to North Carolina (where my family had moved a month after my high school graduation.) I worked at a Hallmark store for a year and tried to figure out what I wanted to do. Still didn't run around crazy with a super busy schedule. Life was good.
Finally decide to head back to Utah and do school- at the University of Utah. I worked 2 jobs to pay for everything but I did it and it didn't seem crazy busy. I was happy.
Felt the Lord telling me to serve a mission. I fought it- big time! Finally after a few months I knew it was what I was suppose to do and a short time later I found myself walking the streets of "the Valley" in sunny California- teaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ to anyone who was interested. Life became very busy. We worked and studied from early morning to late at night. I loved it and hated it. I am grateful I went and for all I learned. Before I knew it, 18 months had come and gone. I was back home.
I couldn't sit still. I felt like I had to go, go, go all the time. Fill every second with something good and worthwhile. I was back in school, working, dating, stressed. Then, I met Nate. Our courtship was short. He was much more chill than me- he was good for me. I slowed down some. We got engaged. We got hitched- sealed for time and eternity (yeah!)
We moved to Logan to attend Utah State University. Life was good. I wasn't stressed out (well, not after I FINALLY found a job.) Before we knew it, we were parents! I quit work and stayed home with Mara. I was still going to school so she spend a lot of time on campus with Nate and I. We had no tv, no ipads, or gaming systems. We had an old computer and cell phones without internet or texting. Life was simple and oh so sweet! I went to school and played with my daughter.
We moved to Vegas for Nate's job after graduation. Found some good friends and a simple, happy life. Introduced Mara to TV when I was pregnant with Wyatt and stuck on bed rest. Letting the world into our home started to change things a bit. Watching commercials and seeing all we didn't have that the world said we should- not good. Life was still pretty chill though. We played, walked to the library several days a week, and chased lizards.
One day 7 yrs ago something happened. Something big. Something that crushed my heart and shattered my world. I might talk about it more another day, but for now, let's just say that this "thing" was the start of my battles with depression. I pulled in and shut everyone out. It was easy to disguise- Wyatt was sick all the time, serious, all the time! I hid my depression behind his sickness-I can't make it to bookclub, girls' night out, etc because Wyatt is sick-sorry! No, don't come over and check on me- I don't want you to get sick or bring any new bugs for him to catch. Life became real simple- I was in survival mode.
Slowly came out of that dark spot, at least enough to function in society, and we move to a new part of town. This is when my good, simple life started to get crazy, busy, not so happy life. I moved into an area where, it seemed, everyone was young families in the same boat as us. Only, they were doing it all so much better than me. I was still really struggling with my self-esteem and self-worth after the above mentioned "big thing" and I looked around and felt like nothing. I decided to put on fake Sara and maybe, just maybe, if I pretend well enough everything will somehow be perfect.
I have done this for the past 6 years. I have tried so hard to be as good as everyone else I was seeing around me, that I became overwhelmed. Over worked. Over stressed. Over scheduled. If I just stay busy, I can't think about what is wrong in my life, I can't think about my heart that still isn't healed, I can't fail. Busy is good. Busy is what everyone brags/complains about. That must be the answer. Go out with your friends as much as possible, make as many play dates as you can squeeze in, get your kids signed up for soccer, dance, music classes, language classes, chess club, craft club, etc. Have date nights every week and make sure they are big, grand events. AHHHHHH!!! I tried. I really did. It didn't help.
Sure it was easier to hide my inner struggles when I was so busy. I could keep the deep, dark depression at bay when I was going 24/7 but I knew it would catch up to me one day. It did. And here I am blogging forever tonight about it all.
Now, PLEASE,PLEASE don't take offense to what I have to say about being busy. Being busy is good for some people. I have discovered it is not for me. I do not judge you or condemn you or anything. I am just sharing what I have found for ME. I have to slow down. I have purged my life of anything not truly necessary. It was tough. I felt weird. I wondered if I was making the right choice. For me, it was. I needed to slow down. Work on healing my heart and soul. I have kept the essentials and add nonessentials when I feel okay- when I know I won't hyperventilate being around real people without my fake Sara plastered on.
I have a new job at church- it is requiring some time, talking to people, and moving outside my comfort zone (which is pjs, in my bed, without noise-my comfort zone is very small these days.) This will be good for me. It well help me grow. It will force me to do more- to be anxiously engaged in a good cause. It will also require discipline on my part. I tend to throw my whole self into any new job, calling, friendship, etc. This has been a struggle my entire life- finding balance. Anyway, I promised myself that I wouldn't let this new calling consume my life like I have let them in the past. I am more than my calling. I am more than a mom. I am more than a wife. I am me and I am enough.
For me, being busy doesn't equate being happier no matter how hard I tried to make it true.
SO the Scriptures say not to be idle, but did you know they also say not to "run faster than you have strength" (Mosiah 4:27) "do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means...BUT be diligent unto the end. Pray always that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work." (D&C 10:4-5) and that God is a God of order (D&C 88:119) and that there is a time and season for all things (Ecclesiastes 3:1-13.) The modern day prophets and apostles have been talking about how busy and plugged in we are and how we need to slow down, unplug and rejoice in our family. Read about it here, here, and here. Now there could be an entire discussion here about the line between simplifying and not doing enough and doing too much but I think that is a set of personal lines that is between you and Heavenly Father- no one else. I am figuring out where my lines are (too busy and too lazy) and trying to stay right in between them.
This has been an extremely long and winding post! What I want to say is this, for me, personally, the busy life is not the good life. The simple life (filled with the goodness of a loving Father in Heaven) is a good life. No more pretending to be super mom. No more filling my calendar to try to prove to myself and the world that I am a good person. I am enough and I am happier with less stuff and more time with those I love. Just trying to keep it real- good night!
The world tells me to do more and to do it better and faster than everyone else. To try to be Super Mom. And whatever I do, I must make others at least think, I am incredible and can do everything with east-that I have it all together.
The scriptures tell me to "refrain from idleness" (Alma 38:12), "be anxiously engaged in a good cause" (D&C 58:27), and "cease to be idle" (D&C 88:124.)
I don't remember being a stressed out, super busy teenager (my mom may disagree with that!) I was super worried- always have been-always will be- it is just part of me. I had school and soccer, but not a million other things going on and that was fine. I didn't play any instruments, join a lot of clubs or do tons of extra curricular activities. (And I still got into colleges and even got a few scholarships. shocking-I know!)
I had been accepted into BYU and Westminster College- I couldn't afford Westminster,even with my scholarship, so BYU was where I was headed the fall after high school graduation. Right before I was suppose to start, I decided I didn't really want to go to BYU so I didn't. I flew to North Carolina (where my family had moved a month after my high school graduation.) I worked at a Hallmark store for a year and tried to figure out what I wanted to do. Still didn't run around crazy with a super busy schedule. Life was good.
Finally decide to head back to Utah and do school- at the University of Utah. I worked 2 jobs to pay for everything but I did it and it didn't seem crazy busy. I was happy.
Felt the Lord telling me to serve a mission. I fought it- big time! Finally after a few months I knew it was what I was suppose to do and a short time later I found myself walking the streets of "the Valley" in sunny California- teaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ to anyone who was interested. Life became very busy. We worked and studied from early morning to late at night. I loved it and hated it. I am grateful I went and for all I learned. Before I knew it, 18 months had come and gone. I was back home.
I couldn't sit still. I felt like I had to go, go, go all the time. Fill every second with something good and worthwhile. I was back in school, working, dating, stressed. Then, I met Nate. Our courtship was short. He was much more chill than me- he was good for me. I slowed down some. We got engaged. We got hitched- sealed for time and eternity (yeah!)
We moved to Logan to attend Utah State University. Life was good. I wasn't stressed out (well, not after I FINALLY found a job.) Before we knew it, we were parents! I quit work and stayed home with Mara. I was still going to school so she spend a lot of time on campus with Nate and I. We had no tv, no ipads, or gaming systems. We had an old computer and cell phones without internet or texting. Life was simple and oh so sweet! I went to school and played with my daughter.
We moved to Vegas for Nate's job after graduation. Found some good friends and a simple, happy life. Introduced Mara to TV when I was pregnant with Wyatt and stuck on bed rest. Letting the world into our home started to change things a bit. Watching commercials and seeing all we didn't have that the world said we should- not good. Life was still pretty chill though. We played, walked to the library several days a week, and chased lizards.
One day 7 yrs ago something happened. Something big. Something that crushed my heart and shattered my world. I might talk about it more another day, but for now, let's just say that this "thing" was the start of my battles with depression. I pulled in and shut everyone out. It was easy to disguise- Wyatt was sick all the time, serious, all the time! I hid my depression behind his sickness-I can't make it to bookclub, girls' night out, etc because Wyatt is sick-sorry! No, don't come over and check on me- I don't want you to get sick or bring any new bugs for him to catch. Life became real simple- I was in survival mode.
Slowly came out of that dark spot, at least enough to function in society, and we move to a new part of town. This is when my good, simple life started to get crazy, busy, not so happy life. I moved into an area where, it seemed, everyone was young families in the same boat as us. Only, they were doing it all so much better than me. I was still really struggling with my self-esteem and self-worth after the above mentioned "big thing" and I looked around and felt like nothing. I decided to put on fake Sara and maybe, just maybe, if I pretend well enough everything will somehow be perfect.
I have done this for the past 6 years. I have tried so hard to be as good as everyone else I was seeing around me, that I became overwhelmed. Over worked. Over stressed. Over scheduled. If I just stay busy, I can't think about what is wrong in my life, I can't think about my heart that still isn't healed, I can't fail. Busy is good. Busy is what everyone brags/complains about. That must be the answer. Go out with your friends as much as possible, make as many play dates as you can squeeze in, get your kids signed up for soccer, dance, music classes, language classes, chess club, craft club, etc. Have date nights every week and make sure they are big, grand events. AHHHHHH!!! I tried. I really did. It didn't help.
Sure it was easier to hide my inner struggles when I was so busy. I could keep the deep, dark depression at bay when I was going 24/7 but I knew it would catch up to me one day. It did. And here I am blogging forever tonight about it all.
Now, PLEASE,PLEASE don't take offense to what I have to say about being busy. Being busy is good for some people. I have discovered it is not for me. I do not judge you or condemn you or anything. I am just sharing what I have found for ME. I have to slow down. I have purged my life of anything not truly necessary. It was tough. I felt weird. I wondered if I was making the right choice. For me, it was. I needed to slow down. Work on healing my heart and soul. I have kept the essentials and add nonessentials when I feel okay- when I know I won't hyperventilate being around real people without my fake Sara plastered on.
I have a new job at church- it is requiring some time, talking to people, and moving outside my comfort zone (which is pjs, in my bed, without noise-my comfort zone is very small these days.) This will be good for me. It well help me grow. It will force me to do more- to be anxiously engaged in a good cause. It will also require discipline on my part. I tend to throw my whole self into any new job, calling, friendship, etc. This has been a struggle my entire life- finding balance. Anyway, I promised myself that I wouldn't let this new calling consume my life like I have let them in the past. I am more than my calling. I am more than a mom. I am more than a wife. I am me and I am enough.
For me, being busy doesn't equate being happier no matter how hard I tried to make it true.
SO the Scriptures say not to be idle, but did you know they also say not to "run faster than you have strength" (Mosiah 4:27) "do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means...BUT be diligent unto the end. Pray always that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work." (D&C 10:4-5) and that God is a God of order (D&C 88:119) and that there is a time and season for all things (Ecclesiastes 3:1-13.) The modern day prophets and apostles have been talking about how busy and plugged in we are and how we need to slow down, unplug and rejoice in our family. Read about it here, here, and here. Now there could be an entire discussion here about the line between simplifying and not doing enough and doing too much but I think that is a set of personal lines that is between you and Heavenly Father- no one else. I am figuring out where my lines are (too busy and too lazy) and trying to stay right in between them.
This has been an extremely long and winding post! What I want to say is this, for me, personally, the busy life is not the good life. The simple life (filled with the goodness of a loving Father in Heaven) is a good life. No more pretending to be super mom. No more filling my calendar to try to prove to myself and the world that I am a good person. I am enough and I am happier with less stuff and more time with those I love. Just trying to keep it real- good night!
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
Grace
I have been listening to a new radio station while in the car by myself or with Audrey. When the big kids are in the car with us we listen to a book on CD- currently we are listening to Stewart Little and loving it! This radio station is 90.5- SOS and is a Christian music station. I am loving lots of things about it- no commercials, no bad words or questionable lyrics, and the best part- it makes me think. The music is up beat and fun but the words are touching and inspirational. You may think I am a total dork and that is okay. I know I am and I have decided to embrace it fully.
Today there was a song on and one line was repeated numerous times throughout the song-"it is all about love, all about grace, all about faith."
Grace.
It is a word used often on this radio station. It got me thinking. What exactly is grace? I had some ideas about the word. Read it in the scriptures a time or two, but it is not a word that is used on a real regular basis in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To me grace encompasses the love of God and His mercy for me. Here is what I am learning about grace:
Guide to the Scriptures- Grace:
The enabling power from God that allows men and women to obtain blessings in this life and to gain eternal life and exaltation after they have exercised faith, repented, and given their best effort to keep the commandments. Such divine help or strength is given through the mercy and love of God. Every mortal person needs divine grace because of Adam’s fall and also because of man’s weaknesses.
Bruce R. McConkie says in Mormon Doctrine:
"...Grace is an attribute of perfection possessed by Deity, and Christ himself 'received grace for grace' until finally he gained the fulness of the Father. The same path to perfection is offer to man. 'If you keep my commandments,' the Lord says, 'you shall receive of his fulness, and be glorified in me as I am in the Father; therefore, I say unto you, you shall receive grace for grace.' (Doctrine and Covenants 93:6-20)"
here are a couple great talks to read about this enabling power or grace:Enabling power and The Atonement
one of my favorite scriptures is found in the New Testament, Paul is struggling and pleading for the Lord to remove the trial from him. The Lord does not. He leaves the trial so that Paul can grow, but He gives Paul grace to endure. It helped me through my struggles as a missionary and many times since. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. I haven't thought about this scripture for awhile but thinking of grace brought it to my mind. I wish I had thought to read it often throughout the last few months.
"...there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
Reliance upon His grace enables you to progress and grow in righteousness.
So, I need His grace to "fill the measure of my creation"- to progress and grow and become who He needs me to be. It is through grace I am able to return to the Father, it is through grace I can become more than ever possible on my own merits, it is through grace I am forgiven, empowered and strengthened. It is through grace I am becoming stronger. It is through grace I conquer my weaknesses and find the power to be more. Grace is the Atonement put to work in our lives. The Atonement is what Christ did for me and Grace is how I apply the Atonement in my life???
Grace.
I think I am just beginning to skim the surface of it's meaning.
Today there was a song on and one line was repeated numerous times throughout the song-"it is all about love, all about grace, all about faith."
Grace.
It is a word used often on this radio station. It got me thinking. What exactly is grace? I had some ideas about the word. Read it in the scriptures a time or two, but it is not a word that is used on a real regular basis in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To me grace encompasses the love of God and His mercy for me. Here is what I am learning about grace:
Guide to the Scriptures- Grace:
The enabling power from God that allows men and women to obtain blessings in this life and to gain eternal life and exaltation after they have exercised faith, repented, and given their best effort to keep the commandments. Such divine help or strength is given through the mercy and love of God. Every mortal person needs divine grace because of Adam’s fall and also because of man’s weaknesses.
Bruce R. McConkie says in Mormon Doctrine:
"...Grace is an attribute of perfection possessed by Deity, and Christ himself 'received grace for grace' until finally he gained the fulness of the Father. The same path to perfection is offer to man. 'If you keep my commandments,' the Lord says, 'you shall receive of his fulness, and be glorified in me as I am in the Father; therefore, I say unto you, you shall receive grace for grace.' (Doctrine and Covenants 93:6-20)"
here are a couple great talks to read about this enabling power or grace:Enabling power and The Atonement
one of my favorite scriptures is found in the New Testament, Paul is struggling and pleading for the Lord to remove the trial from him. The Lord does not. He leaves the trial so that Paul can grow, but He gives Paul grace to endure. It helped me through my struggles as a missionary and many times since. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. I haven't thought about this scripture for awhile but thinking of grace brought it to my mind. I wish I had thought to read it often throughout the last few months.
"...there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
Reliance upon His grace enables you to progress and grow in righteousness.
So, I need His grace to "fill the measure of my creation"- to progress and grow and become who He needs me to be. It is through grace I am able to return to the Father, it is through grace I can become more than ever possible on my own merits, it is through grace I am forgiven, empowered and strengthened. It is through grace I am becoming stronger. It is through grace I conquer my weaknesses and find the power to be more. Grace is the Atonement put to work in our lives. The Atonement is what Christ did for me and Grace is how I apply the Atonement in my life???
Grace.
I think I am just beginning to skim the surface of it's meaning.
Monday, September 02, 2013
The Game of Life
Tonight for our family home evening activity we played Life. The kids love to play this. Me, not so much - only because it is a LONG game and Nate always chooses to pull it out on nights when I am out of energy and patience. (I had just taken the kids swimming by myself for almost 3 hours!)
Things were going smoothly, everyone having a good time. Wyatt's mini van was filled with children, as usual. That kid usually ends up with more "kids" than his van can hold and they just get piled on top very carefully. Nate was raking in the money, like always. Mara was doing well as the teacher, having lots of us pay her to go to night school and such. Audrey actually played with us this time and was having fun for the most part (there may have been some very dirty looks thrown Wyatt's way when he kept stealing her life tiles.) Of course, she did keep us laughing with her funny comments and facial expressions. She really liked the "pink" money and was hoarding it. The best was when she all of a sudden looks up and says,"It would be cool if this game had humans in it!".
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Sunday, September 01, 2013
measure of my creation
Since December 22, 1998 (the day I received my endowment in the Atlanta, GA temple), I have struggled with the question, "Am I fulfilling the measure of my creation?". I have asked myself this innumerable times and never have truly felt the answer was yes.
The last 10 years I would try to convince myself that since I was a wife and mother (and not royally screwing up at either thing) then I must be close to fulfilling it. But I felt like I was lying to myself and I was no closer to figuring out what was truly the measure of my creation.
I was failing (I didn't understand how to pass.) This question has been a frustration to me for so long.
Until tonight.
I just had a lighting bolt moment. I have been using one wrong word in the question all these years! I am not suppose to FULFILL the measure of my creation, I am suppose to FILL the measure of my creation! There is no set goal line or checklist to follow and then, finally, I will be done fulfilling. I am to FILL- to try, to magnify, to work to be my best, to do what I can to fill my life with good, making less room for the bad.
I see it now as a glass waiting to be filled slowly as I add drops of goodness each day. It isn't a checklist I can't ever seem to finish. It is the daily loving, changing, bettering of myself and following the Spirit to be where and to do those things the Lord has for me to do to add to my cup. There is no end goal- I just keep trying and adding those drops to my cup and with the help of the Atonement, my Savior, and Father above, one day my cup will "runneth over!"
Do not fulfill, fill!
Peace to my soul.
Good-night
The last 10 years I would try to convince myself that since I was a wife and mother (and not royally screwing up at either thing) then I must be close to fulfilling it. But I felt like I was lying to myself and I was no closer to figuring out what was truly the measure of my creation.
I was failing (I didn't understand how to pass.) This question has been a frustration to me for so long.
Until tonight.
I just had a lighting bolt moment. I have been using one wrong word in the question all these years! I am not suppose to FULFILL the measure of my creation, I am suppose to FILL the measure of my creation! There is no set goal line or checklist to follow and then, finally, I will be done fulfilling. I am to FILL- to try, to magnify, to work to be my best, to do what I can to fill my life with good, making less room for the bad.
I see it now as a glass waiting to be filled slowly as I add drops of goodness each day. It isn't a checklist I can't ever seem to finish. It is the daily loving, changing, bettering of myself and following the Spirit to be where and to do those things the Lord has for me to do to add to my cup. There is no end goal- I just keep trying and adding those drops to my cup and with the help of the Atonement, my Savior, and Father above, one day my cup will "runneth over!"
Do not fulfill, fill!
Peace to my soul.
Good-night
Down With Inappropriate Guilt
I have been reading this book, "Sunny Side Up" by Lucile Johnson and here are some quotes from her book that I think a lot of us mommies need to remember:
"I do not personally know one solitary mother who thinks she has done a great job as a mother and is totally satisfied with her job performance.
I talked to her about how hard we are on ourselves as mothers. We read articles and attend classes, and we are apprised of the things we should be doing and the things that we shouldn't be doing, and, of course, up against ideal pictures and philosophies of parenting most of us fall short!
I said, 'Of course you made mistakes and will continue to make them, but remember you did the best you could in the past with what you knew at the time, and you are still doing the best you can. God himself will not ask more of you than that.
...being a good mother is just making more right decisions than wrong decisions, and that you should be a little kinder to yourself, a little more generous to yourself. And how about being a nurturing parent to yourself too?
Self pity and depression are often the results of inappropriate guilt- one of the primary sins of mothers....When she could not control everything around her, she felt guilty and incompetent when she was actually doing the best she could.
Many mothers seem to wear guilt like an old bathrobe that is too familiar to discard. Mothers, don't beat yourself with guilt and regrets. Perhaps you 'yelled a lot' or 'nagged a lot.' So, you yelled and nagged. Is there a mother alive who hasn't done both? But did you love those children? Did they, and do they, know you love them? That is what really counts."
"I do not personally know one solitary mother who thinks she has done a great job as a mother and is totally satisfied with her job performance.
I talked to her about how hard we are on ourselves as mothers. We read articles and attend classes, and we are apprised of the things we should be doing and the things that we shouldn't be doing, and, of course, up against ideal pictures and philosophies of parenting most of us fall short!
I said, 'Of course you made mistakes and will continue to make them, but remember you did the best you could in the past with what you knew at the time, and you are still doing the best you can. God himself will not ask more of you than that.
...being a good mother is just making more right decisions than wrong decisions, and that you should be a little kinder to yourself, a little more generous to yourself. And how about being a nurturing parent to yourself too?
Self pity and depression are often the results of inappropriate guilt- one of the primary sins of mothers....When she could not control everything around her, she felt guilty and incompetent when she was actually doing the best she could.
Many mothers seem to wear guilt like an old bathrobe that is too familiar to discard. Mothers, don't beat yourself with guilt and regrets. Perhaps you 'yelled a lot' or 'nagged a lot.' So, you yelled and nagged. Is there a mother alive who hasn't done both? But did you love those children? Did they, and do they, know you love them? That is what really counts."
First Day of School
Pictures from the first day of School
Audrey was even excited because now she could play all day with her
new Ariel car without any bigger kids to interfere.
Mara and Wyatt are big 5th and 2nd graders
It is looking like it will be a good year.
Audrey
Audrey is our sweet and spicy almost 4 year old
Her facial expressions are quite humorous-
she was not happy that the chapstick she found in the pool bag was rather melty
She is terrified of everything-
this was her watching jungle book 2
I love to watch her when she sleeps-
which is certainly not often enough
Audrey: I don't want to die! I just want to stay in our house! I never want to leave our house!
Me: okay. Why do you want to stay in our house forever?
Audrey: Cause I don't want to live with Jesus!
Me: Why???
Audrey: He doesn't have any children and I don't want to live in his house without any kids!
I love her little brain and how it works! She has been an handful and I don't understand her or how to handle her most days but I love her to death!
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