Thrush???? Really! Girl can't catch a break! (part 2)

2 hours at the pediatrician's office (did not get to see my usual pediatrician)

-thrush  (starting anti yeast meds)

-dehydration (she wanted to send us to the er, but decided if i pushed enough fluids into audrey i won't have to take her- it is a nightmare trying to get a 4 year old with thrush and a tonsillectomy to drink enough and the very strong willed child will ONLY drink water!)

-possible strep or some other kind of throat/mouth infection (started a new antibiotic)

-possible mono (blood work required- this time, audrey was NOT brave- another nightmare)


now we wait.  i already scheduled an appt with our usual pediatrician for next friday.

i have cried

i have pushed loads of water into audrey

i bought her an icee (which she really wanted but then barely ate-this has been our life the last week)

i tried to convince myself that this is not my fault and i am not a bad mom because i can't seem to keep my 4 year old healthy- i am doing everything the doctors say and follow the spiritual promptings that have come

i calmed down and realized that this is not that big of a deal (in the grand scheme of things)

i remembered God loves audrey and me and our family AND He has a plan for us and this is part of it.

i decided to have more faith and patience

i realized how blessed we are- good, caring friends- amazingly supportive family- the Gospel - an Eternal Family- modern medication (if with all it's flaws)- a home, job, car, food to eat and warm beds to sleep in (or at least long for, as i try to comfort audrey and lay by her on the couch or her bed)

and this too shall pass...

Thrush???? Really! Girl can't catch a break! (part 1)

So it has been a week since Audrey had her tonsils and adenoids out. the past week has been one of the toughest of my life. Almost zero sleep for me and not much for audrey either. Lots of pain and crying. Refusing to eat or drink. Almost ended up in the er because of dehydration-had to pin her down and force water into her with a syringe. Major constipation from the pain meds which led to a whole lot more drama-things finally passed after pinning her down again and forcing her to drink apple juice. It has been hell- mostly because I am so sleep deprived I can't handle anything.

Now we sit in the doctors office, not for a follow up, but to see if the putrid breathe and mass amounts of white gunk in her mouth is thrush from the constant doses of antibiotics she has been on since February.

Drove out to henderson so we could be seen early and not have to wait long since she is still suppose to be at home away from other possible germs, and yet, we have been waiting over an hour. I may have cried twice since getting here. I am so tired I can't handle this. Every time audrey breathes near me or talks I have to use all my will power not to vomit-her breath is THAT bad. Even she can smell it and she has cried over it-she wants it to stop.

Please let this nightmare end soon! I really need some sleep!
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Easter

This year we tried drawing on eggs (while hot) with crayons- worked great except it smears easily and the eggs were so Hot! Had to use wash clothes to hold them while we colored.

Watched the movie Croods after as a family and then made our Easter cookies that cook over night and turn out hollow in the morning- just like Christ's tomb on Sunday morning.

Looking forward to singing with Mara in the choir at church tomorrow.

We usually do the Easter bunny thing Saturday morning so Sunday can be Christ centered, but this year the Easter bunny came off and on throughout the week with treats and toys to keep us entertained and happy throughout Spring Break.


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Heavenly Communications

The Lord has been sending me messages and inspiration lately.

Tonight it was through scripture:
" 41 Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey...
"And now, my son, I would that ye should understand that these things are not without a shadow; for as our fathers were slothful to give heed to this compass (now these things were temporal) they did not prosper; even so it is with things which are spiritual."
(I have kind of been slacking on doing the things I need to (the small things) that fight the depression and keep me sane.)

On Saturday He spoke to me thru song:
Let's just say I stressed out and didn't handle a situation as well as I could have. I sat in the car with Nate and kids silently berating myself for not being happy and calm when things didn't go as planned. The kids asked me to turn on the radio- the song Happy was on. When it ended I changed the station only to find the next station playing Happy as well (the kids were thrilled!) When that ended I changed the station again, and the very next station was playing.... You guessed it- Happy!!! With the kids' excitement and joy in hearing this song 3 times in a row, how could I not be happy too.

The Lord talks to us often- daily even, if we listen and follow Him. I find the more I listen to and follow the promptings, the more He sends me and easier it gets to hear His voice.
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quick update

audrey finished her antibiotic at 7am on friday morning. by friday afternoon she was being a bit of a monster.  i wondered if it was just from being tired or if she was beginning to not feel well again.  saturday morning she woke up and felt a little warm, but i thought i was just being paranoid.  at about 7am we were sitting across from each other while eating breakfast.  i looked up and she had about 8 hives on her face! and i knew the strep was back (not that it ever really leaves, just gets hidden by antibiotics).  called in her refill and felt her head- fever was back too.  she said her throat was hurting again :( boo!!! well she is back on an antibiotic now and will be taking it until her surgery. her poor little body!

Future Babysitter

audrey loves her dolls and usually takes very good care of them, but not so much on our last trip to the park.  they stuck their dolls in the crack and then preceded to jump on the bridge causing their dolls to die from shaken baby syndrome-they thought it was rather funny.

audrey insists she will never be older than four but when we ask her if she had to grow up, what would she want to be?  she always says "a babysitter".  maybe after seeing her treat her doll this cruelly, we shouldn't let her grow up- just to protect all the future kids she would have babysat.

feeling good

this little girl has been feeling pretty good the last few days- so grateful!
her hives are gone, she has energy, is starving all the time, and is sleeping
better (that may be because i moved her into our room to sleep the last few
nights.) she is on an antibiotic and it is certainly helping, but it will be interesting
to see what happens when she is all done with this antibiotic.  she usually starts
getting symptoms within 24-48 hrs of finishing an antibiotic. i have been trying
some essential oils but she was not getting any
relief while using them-in fact, once i stopped using them she seemed to
start doing better- i am just not yet convinced they can do all that people
claim essential oils can do.  i will try again with them, but am not holding my
breath.  we have been enjoying playing go fish with her new hello kitty cards
and jumping on her new mini trampoline (an early Easter gift) to keep
 us entertained and away from other people's germs (as well as
trying not to spread our own.) hoping we can keep seeing
this sweet smile until her surgery.
 thank you for all of your prayers- they are surely working!!!

One

happy

girl

Peace with our personal plan

the last four days have been so emotional, uplifting, and filled with a great deal of peace.

it started friday afternoon when a dear friend offered to watch audrey so i could go to the temple and do initiatories for some family names i had recently found.  it was a much needed break from taking care of a sick four year old, but even more it was a much needed break from the world. there is no way to accurately describe the beauty and peace that comes when entering the temple of our God.  the quiet, peaceful atmosphere was so welcoming and wonderful.

what transpired for me while in the temple that afternoon was special and sacred.  thanks to it being busy, i had some time to just sit, ponder and rest.  i just want to record for my children (and myself-as a reminder during future trials) some of the things that i learned through Spirit while sitting in the house of the Lord.  i shed many tears as i was reminded of the incredible blessings the Lord has given those who have entered His holy house and covenanted with Him.  i had heard the blessings so many times but that day, they took on a whole new meaning- one that humbled me and reminded me of who i am and whose i am.  it gave me the strength i needed to continue to endure this trial and for the countless trials that lay ahead of me throughout my life.  i was taught many things through the Spirit that day, things i will hold dear and will apply to my life.  one of the things that i learned in a new way and that was implanted on my heart, that i feel is most important for my children to know is that all of this- all these trials, challenges, frustrations, complications, etc-are part of God's plan for me/us.  it is all a chance for me to improve, draw closer to my Father in Heaven and become better.  it is also preparation for the trials that lay ahead. i know that all of this has been part of our family's personal plan that a loving, merciful Father has prepared for us. i also felt an overwhelming impression that soon this trial will seem small, that there is more ahead for us, something that will be challenging in new ways and that i needed to know before it happens, that it is part of God's personal plan for me. 

now, i have no idea what trials lay ahead, but i know with every fiber of my being that it is part of the plan-it is the Lord's will.  all of this has been the Lord's will.  each trial in our lives is preparation for greater trials and greater learning- this is life- that is why we are here, why we left the presence of our Father. to return to Him i must endure trials, tribulation, struggles, challenges, shortcomings, and mortality.  i can't do that alone.  i need the Spirit to guide me, family to support me, friends to comfort me and my Father and His earthly servants to send me direction, inspiration, and love.

the Spirit has continued to teach me through the last two days of general conference and many moments (both good and bad) with my family.  many talks spoke to my heart and pierced my soul with a reminder of those things the Spirit taught me in the temple on friday. i felt the Spirit strongly all weekend and again today.  there were many moments of tears as i felt peace and felt again that there is something that lies ahead that will be more challenging than anything i have faced.  i held my kids a little closer today, tried to get my priorities in the right order, played a few extra games of lego memory and hello kitty go fish, i left my bathrooms messy but my heart full. i looked at my children and really saw them- tired to memorize their faces and the exact color of their eyes.  i told them i loved them a few extra times and made sure we didn't forget scripture study or prayers.  life is difficult but so full of love too.  there is so much going through my mind and heart right now- no way to really share what i feel but just know that God is good and His will is much better than mine in the end. grateful for the peace that i feel.

rollercoaster

Feeling like I am on a rollercoaster lately.  Audrey has good days and not so good days.  Her hives came back and then left and came back but not as bad. Who knows what is going on there.  She is super whiney and sick of being stuck inside (me too!)  her new thing is worrying about what we are going to do next.  she seems very concerned about 15 times a day about what she is going to be doing in the next 10 mins or hour or tomorrow.  tonight she couldn't go to sleep because she didn't know what we should do tomorrow morning when she woke up.  I gave her a play by play of what may happen but she was still concerned.  i finally lost my patience and told her she would sit on a chair all morning just sitting if she didn't go to sleep.  that was enough insentive to go to sleep.  oh i love that girl but she is pushing my buttons lately!

Answered Prayers

This was Audrey this morning- a completely different child from the last few months.  I know that it is from all the prayers you wonderful people have made on her behalf.  She slept ALL NIGHT last night!!!! and her hives are almost nonexistent!  Miracles i tell you- miracles!  Thank you!!!!

(and thank you Carly and Emily for the bubbles- they are magical!)

Audrey-Trials and Blessings

The last few months have been tough. I feel the need to document our adventure. Maybe it is to serve as a reminder in the future when other trials enter our lives, that even amid challenge and struggle, a merciful and loving Father sends blessings daily. Or maybe it is to help someone else who may read these words one day. Whatever the reason, here is our latest adventure at the Bingham home:

Late the night of December 22nd, as I came home from the ER with Mara (she had pneumonia) and got her settled, I checked on sleeping kids. I touched Audrey's forehead to brush the hair out of her face, only to be shocked to find her burning up with fever. She was so hot I woke her and gave her motrin. In the morning, she woke up with a fever and saying her throat hurt. We have had many bouts of tonsillitis and strep with her over the past few years, so I knew I needed to take her in. I called the doctor's office and her doctor was full for the day (again! Happens every time Audrey is sick) so I ran her over the Walgreen's clinic- she had strep. They put her on amoixicillian for 10 days. She seemed to be doing fine but I was preoccupied by Mara and her pneumonia and Nate and his sinus infection (that was really bad and lasted a couple weeks until I finally dragged him to the doctor!) Audrey's symptoms were gone but she started having new symptoms (fatigue, frequent urination, pale skin)and just never fully returned to the happy, active girl we knew.  Mara and Nate finally recovered and I assumed audrey was fine and that maybe she was just going through a growth spurt and that was why she was so tired. February 5th she woke up with a fever and sore throat- her dr was booked solid all day again. She was rather lethargic and not wanting any food so I ran her to the CVS clinic by our house. Ear infection, tonsillitis and strep. She slept all day and all night-it was kind of freaking me out. They put her on azythramacin. She seemed to get better for the 5 days she was on the meds but within a day or two of finishing that she was tired all the time again and pale and making frequent trips to the bathroom. I had already made an appointment with an ENT to see if we should remove her tonsils. But every time I looked at her, I had the very distinct impression NOT to do the surgery or see the ENT. I decided to find a new pediatrician and take her in and see what was up with her- she just wasn't herself and I knew something was not right. I asked around and found a doctor I felt good about seeing- she is in Henderson but if she was good it would be worth the drive.  Our first appt with her was just to see what was up with audrey's exhaustion and frequent urination- I was worried it was diabetes or something. The doctor asked a few questions and looked at Audrey- the result- Audrey STILL had strep! The dr put her on a new strong antibiotic-suprax-it is super expensive -like $300- but the dr gave us a coupon to get it down to $25. She suggested that someone or something in our house maybe a strep carrier. We spent the next 2 days getting everyone tested. Wyatt (who had his tonsils removed 4 years ago) tested positive! He had no symptoms. He was our carrier. Treat him and everything should be fine, or so we thought.  It took two rounds of antibiotics to knock it out of Wyatt's system but we finally did it! Audrey did not fair so well. After the round of Suprax we went in for a follow up to make sure the strep was gone- it wasn't and she now was more pale and more tired than ever before. When the doctor saw Audrey, her first reaction was surprise at how pale she was. They tested her red blood cell count-it was low. As she continued the exam, she discovered a heart murmur that had not been present in any previous exams. That, coupled with the frequent urination and prolonged strep, worried the doc that we may be looking at the beginnings of Rheumatic Fever. We spent the rest of the day getting lab work done and getting more antibiotics. Audrey was so brave and amazing through it all! She had to give blood 3 times in less than 24hrs. We just had to wait for the tests results and try not to stress out too much. Instead of researching rheumatic fever like I normally would have done and stressing myself out, I just tried to stay busy and snuggle my sick little girl. About this time, Audrey stopped sleeping through the night-she was waking up 3 or 4 times a night crying for me. She also began reverting back to a toddler- wanting to be held, not being able to wipe her bum or brush her teeth or any of the things she had been doing for herself for the past year or more. She was/is very needy. I was sure the lab work would give us some answers. Sunday night at 7:30 pm my cell phone rings-it said private number- I almost didn't answer it, but thankfully, I did. It was audrey's doctor calling from her home with the lab results. My heart stopped for a minute- the dr calling personally on a sunday night!!! It must be bad news. It wasn't! Everything was normal (except iron was low) and no sign of rheumatic fever!   The day before Audrey was to finish her fourth round of antibiotics she complained of sore throat and she had a fever. I took her in but did not get to see our doc (she was out of the office for a few days.) They said audrey must just have a virus on top of everything else. The next day she finished her antibiotic and the following day she broke out in hives. The next day the hives were worse and she started coughing. Monday morning I called and got her in to see our doc. Her strep was back and the hives were out of control. After talking with the doc for awhile we decided to give her mega doses of antibiotics via shots 36 hrs apart and see the ENT and get her tonsils out. The shots were brutal. Very painful and left audrey and I both in tears as I pinned her to the table and listened to her scream. The doc pulled some strings and got us into the ENT on Wednesday (it usually takes weeks/months.)Nothing was helping with the hives during all of this. (we also tried some essential oils and things to try and help her with the hives and strep and still are not having much success.)

We saw the ENT and they scheduled her for surgery- their soonest appointment was April 22nd. I was heartbroken we had to wait that long. I didn't want to have to endure another month of antibiotics in her little body. The shots seemed to have been working-all her symptoms were gone (except hives and acting like a 2 year old.) That lasted a full week. Yesterday afternoon she started a fever, frequent trips to the potty and said her throat hurt. I called the ENT triage nurse. He called in a prescription with a refill to get her through til the surgery. She started that antibiotic last night and woke up only once last night! Her hives are minimal this morning and she is happier than she has been for a long time.

Now we just wait.  20 more days til surgery. couple weeks of recovery and hopefully she return to our normal, spunky, spirited Little Audrey.

Those are the basics of what has been happening.  Now I want to share a few thoughts, feelings, concerns and most importantly the blessings we have seen.  I know that no matter what happens from here on out that the Lord is aware of us and what is happening and all of this is part of His plan for our family.  I see the hand of God in my life on a daily basis- the daily tender mercies that remind me that there is a point to all of this. 

I also want to share that compared to many, many people this trial we are enduring is small and minor and I have GREAT respect and empathy and admiration for those who have children with life long or life threatening struggles- I pray for you- that you may have the strength to endure and that you too may see the blessings of God in your life, I don't know how you do it- you are amazing.

The one thing that makes all of this so much harder on me is that Audrey has been saying since November, right before all this started, that she will never grow older than 4. We thought it was funny at first, but she has remained adamant that she will not get older or bigger. She talks about it frequently and it makes me very paranoid.  It is silly and I am sure it means nothing, just that she loves to be home and little and the baby of the family, but sometimes kids just know things. I know i shouldn't think about this stuff but it is in the back of my mind all the time.

The past week has been so difficult for me and I feel as if i am losing the last of my sanity.  i love audrey with all my heart but i find myself getting so frustrated and overwhelmed that i snap at her (and everyone) i am losing patience with everything and everyone.  I know it is the stress and the exhaustion and i hate myself for it.  i know she is sick and doesn't feel good and i want to be loving and kind but she is so whiny and says "mommy" ALL day long and i can't make her feel better and it is killing me. i look at her hive covered face and my heart breaks and i hate that i can't fix it for her.
this parenting thing is rough!

so i mentioned earlier that we had an appt with the ent to get her tonsils out but that i felt impressed not to do it. we are now going ahead with the surgery and here is why: after everything we have learned and talked to docs about and we have prayed and pondered what to do, i now feel great peace about having the surgery done.  i know this is what we are suppose to do.  why we weren't suppose to do it before, i am not sure, i have some ideas but ultimately i felt the spirit tell me not to do it then but now i feel that spirit say yes, go ahead. whatever the outcome of all of this, i am at peace and know the Lord's will is being done.

on to some of the blessings! (and there are many more than i can write down)

-through it all no one else has gotten strep :)
-audrey has been amazing through all the tests and shots and needles- so brave and strong and patient
-i have felt the prayers of so many praying for us and for audrey, seriously couldn't have made it this far without all the love and support we have felt
-one of mara's er bills came in and was way higher than expected and even the insurance said it was higher than normally billed. it was counted toward our deductible and the billing department said they could not discount it in any way because it was our deductible but when i went to pay the actual bill someone had discounted it a couple hundred dollars-huge blessing
-when i called the ent yesterday when audrey started having symptoms they were so kind and called in a prescription without having to be seen and pay the $60 copay and he went ahead and added a refill so i wouldn't have to worry about another prescription before the surgery.
-the text i received last night from a friend when i was really down, that reminded me that i am not alone and that the Lord is aware of me and my thoughts
-just as i was getting overwhelmed and wondering how to keep going, the scripture we read for family scripture study, spoke to my soul and brought a much needed sense of peace.
-countless answers to prayers
-friends who have helped me to see beyond myself and my family's trials
-an email i received this morning saying that my mom will be flying in the morning before the surgery! cried a few tears of joy and relief with that news
-family- so many loved ones who have been praying for our Dree and sending us love
-a new doctor who we feel really cares and really takes the time to find the right solution for her patients. i felt guided to her and know she has been an answer to our prayers.
-so so so many more i will have to share on another day.