His Grace is Sufficient by Brad Wilcox
The missionaries were over for dinner last night. We had a great time and wonderful conversation. They told me about this speech by Brad Wilcox. It was very good. I had actually
read it before but this time it hit home and made me really ponder how grace can, and should, be part of my everyday, every moment. Read it!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Expectations
Expectations.
These are the root of most of my problems.
I tend to have very high expectations of everything and everyone.
Then, when nothing goes as I expected, I get frustrated, annoyed, angry, depressed and hopeless.
The dumbest part is that I will keep these high expectations even though repeated experiences have shown me that things (or people) will not live up to my expectations. Each time, I tell myself, this time will be different. BUT IT NEVER IS.
As I wondered around Target yesterday with Wyatt, I was pondering this whole expectations thing. I went to Target with very low expectations- I was in a bad mood, didn't want to be there, but needed to get out of the house and had to return a few gifts we had received that were items we already had. Watching people and listening to them complain about lines, waits, etc., I realized that most of my bad moods stem of my expectations of things not being met. How do I change this? Do I start to have very low or no expectations and then be satisfied with whatever the outcome? If I give up on hoping or expecting things to be good or go a certain way, I am losing a sense of faith or anticipation that is needed to stay positive and up beat in this darkening world? Hope is essential- you know the whole faith-hope-charity thing. I am not sure if my high expectations are the result of an optimistic soul or demented/crazed mind.
The real solution would probably be to keep my expectations high but to handle the let down of unfulfilled expectations just roll off my back. Instead of focusing on how it should have been, I could focus on what was good and how I can improve the situation for the next time. So much easier said then done! I guess I have a few days left of this year to try to figure out how to make 2014 a better year than 2013. I think it all has to do with realistic expectations.
These are the root of most of my problems.
I tend to have very high expectations of everything and everyone.
Then, when nothing goes as I expected, I get frustrated, annoyed, angry, depressed and hopeless.
The dumbest part is that I will keep these high expectations even though repeated experiences have shown me that things (or people) will not live up to my expectations. Each time, I tell myself, this time will be different. BUT IT NEVER IS.
As I wondered around Target yesterday with Wyatt, I was pondering this whole expectations thing. I went to Target with very low expectations- I was in a bad mood, didn't want to be there, but needed to get out of the house and had to return a few gifts we had received that were items we already had. Watching people and listening to them complain about lines, waits, etc., I realized that most of my bad moods stem of my expectations of things not being met. How do I change this? Do I start to have very low or no expectations and then be satisfied with whatever the outcome? If I give up on hoping or expecting things to be good or go a certain way, I am losing a sense of faith or anticipation that is needed to stay positive and up beat in this darkening world? Hope is essential- you know the whole faith-hope-charity thing. I am not sure if my high expectations are the result of an optimistic soul or demented/crazed mind.
The real solution would probably be to keep my expectations high but to handle the let down of unfulfilled expectations just roll off my back. Instead of focusing on how it should have been, I could focus on what was good and how I can improve the situation for the next time. So much easier said then done! I guess I have a few days left of this year to try to figure out how to make 2014 a better year than 2013. I think it all has to do with realistic expectations.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Mara
Mara has pneumonia. She has been on antibiotics for just over 4 days. She should be doing better but she keeps having set backs. I feel like we are on a horrid roller coaster ride. The last three days I have stressed out majorly- do we take her back to the ER? Do we just wait it out? She seems fine for a while and then she goes down hill. Then she naps and bounces back a little and then goes down hill again. It is miserable to see her like this and feel helpless in making it better for her. Today she threw up mucus ALL over herself and the couch. She hasn't eaten and now has a fever. The antibiotic has made her have diarrhea which is awful when you are coughing so much and so hard. I would just call my doctor but they are closed! I tired to find a new doctor this week after coming home from the ER but after researching and finally finding someone I felt would be good, found out the doctor is out of town until January 6th and the office lady said she thought Mara should be seen before then. We have an appointment tomorrow at 8:20 am but I am not all that confident they will be of any help. I don't know which doctor we will get to see, pretty sure it won't be our pediatrician as she is always too busy to see us for sick visits. Nate is sick, but at work today. Audrey has strep, but is doing fine with her antibiotic. She is whiny and has a runny nose still. Wyatt is the only one who is perfectly fine, but he is getting a little sick of being stuck inside. It has been 2 weeks today since we started with all this sickness and I just can't handle it anymore!!! I am going crazy. Now, I know that this trial in our life right now is small. Mara will be fine. Everyone will be healthy again before long. Our medical bills will get paid off eventually. We will be fine. But it is still hard. I just want to cry. I just want to sleep and not worry about anyone for one night. I have so many things I haven't written about and all the stress from the past month is building up since I haven't taken time to release it. Too tired right now to deal with it so I am signing off and letting the kids watch Studio C while I close my eyes for a minute.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Christmas dinner
Audrey, what are we celebrating at Christmas?
-um....Christmas?
Why do we have Christmas? What is all about?
-we have Christmas to celebrate Christmas dinner!
-WHO are we celebrating at Christmas?
-Santa???
ok, let's try again- who's birthday are we celebrating at Christmas?
-Jesus? He was a little kid.
Good. We are celebrating Jesus's birthday at Christmas.
-WE ARE????
Oh boy, we have been over this a million times, but apparently she just tunes me out.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
-um....Christmas?
Why do we have Christmas? What is all about?
-we have Christmas to celebrate Christmas dinner!
-WHO are we celebrating at Christmas?
-Santa???
ok, let's try again- who's birthday are we celebrating at Christmas?
-Jesus? He was a little kid.
Good. We are celebrating Jesus's birthday at Christmas.
-WE ARE????
Oh boy, we have been over this a million times, but apparently she just tunes me out.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Friday, December 13, 2013
closed off
I was just on Facebook for a minute before I moved on to my next task of the day and saw a post about a woman going to hospice today and how her friends were asking for prayers, etc. I didn't open the link to read her story.
I couldn't.
I couldn't read one more sad story or give one more ounce of my heart away.
Then, I felt ashamed.
I have been closed off lately.
There is too much need, too much sadness, too much aching out there. It hurts and is draining and wares me out. There is such a deep need in me to help, to worry, to give. The problem- there isn't anything left to give. No more room to add one more worry. So much heartache that I can't do anything about, that it just pulls me down and stresses me out. I have given my heart and my help and my all to people in need only to be abused, walked on and taken advantage of. But I still stress and worry about them. I get annoyed and angry and snippy and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I am tired. I want to help but it just seems like too much. I need to find some kind of balance (ah-the story of my life!)
I just want to build a little cocoon around myself and hide out. Only open up to happy things and my husband and kids. If there are some simple needs, I can do that- I can give a hug or a dinner or note of encouragement, even a listening hear but if you need more, I might not be able to help, I might just burrow deeper in my cocoon and wait for something my heart can handle. It kind of annoys me that I am this fragile at times, but I guess we all. I hate that I want to give and want to help but I can't do it. I hate that I find myself closing off and I hate that I am so selfish and so much so that all my sentences start with I!
I hate that I can't make everyone happy (hey I can't even make myself happy most days!) and fix every one's problems. I don't know why I feel it is my job to do that but for some insane reason I do. I need to find a way to breathe, worry less, open my heart more and trust that not everyone with crush it. I need to be a little kinder to myself and others. Open my heart more and trust the Lord will guide me to know where and how to help and warn me before I let my heart get too invested and too hurt.( but maybe hurting is necessary and by closing off I am really hindering my growth as a human being and my chance to truly learn charity and compassion.)
On a totally different topic, Nate has been amazing and wonderful since I finally opened up to him and shared my heart- fully- with him. He knows my struggles (he doesn't necessarily understand them, but he tries) and can see when I start to pull away, or shut down, or get overwhelmed and he more than steps up and takes over. Last night I was struggling. It had been a very long day. I had been preparing for a dessert catering job for today- I made 72 mini cheesecakes with red and green decorations to top them and 16 dozen homemade peppermint and mint soft chocolate cookie sandwiches- it was a tad bit physically draining (and I won't be making any kind of cookie anytime in the near future.) Then, Wyatt spikes a fever. Now I have to try to help him, finish the desserts and have them all ready for Nate to now deliver since I will be home with a sick child. Nate had a meeting to go to and the kids all needed showers. I got it all done and got Wyatt drugged and off to bed. Earlier in the day I had made the mistake of promising Mara that if she did her homework quickly after school I would help her make these very complicated snowflakes. She reminded me at 7:15 last night. The hope and excitement in her eyes made it impossible to say no. So we struggled to figure out how to do them. It took almost an hour but we did it. The result was amazing. We will do more and I will post pictures. Just got Mara in bed and desserts done when Nate walked in. He was excited to tell me about his night and I was struggling to stay focused on what he was saying. I felt bad, but he didn't get annoyed, he realized I was drained. He rubbed my back, held me, and just made me feel safe and loved. We are finally in a good place in our marriage again. I am grateful for these trials that have brought us closer and made us more committed to each other and our love deeper and stronger.
On a completely different topic- how do you get your 10 year old child to remember to bring all her homework papers, agenda, etc home from school each day??? Mara keeps forgetting important parts of her homework and then has a total melt down when she realizes it. So far, she hasn't had any negative consequences from this. She has written apologetic notes to her teacher, called friends for homework assignments, etc. I told her last night that starting today there will be a negative consequence every time she forgets her homework, I don't know what yet, but something has to happen so she will start remembering to do what she is suppose to. I suggested she make herself a check list of what she is suppose to bring home and check off each item before she leaves her classroom each day-hopefully that will help. any ideas or suggestions are appreciated!
enough rambling.
PS- After a friend who is in need today read this, I wanted to clarify for you all, if you are my family or friend, you already own a piece of my heart and I have the capacity to help and care for you- it is all the new people and people I don't even know who are in need that I struggle to find strength and room in my heart to help. If you are my family or friend, please DO NOT hesitate to ask for my help if you need it, SERIOUSLY!!!
I couldn't.
I couldn't read one more sad story or give one more ounce of my heart away.
Then, I felt ashamed.
I have been closed off lately.
There is too much need, too much sadness, too much aching out there. It hurts and is draining and wares me out. There is such a deep need in me to help, to worry, to give. The problem- there isn't anything left to give. No more room to add one more worry. So much heartache that I can't do anything about, that it just pulls me down and stresses me out. I have given my heart and my help and my all to people in need only to be abused, walked on and taken advantage of. But I still stress and worry about them. I get annoyed and angry and snippy and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I am tired. I want to help but it just seems like too much. I need to find some kind of balance (ah-the story of my life!)
I just want to build a little cocoon around myself and hide out. Only open up to happy things and my husband and kids. If there are some simple needs, I can do that- I can give a hug or a dinner or note of encouragement, even a listening hear but if you need more, I might not be able to help, I might just burrow deeper in my cocoon and wait for something my heart can handle. It kind of annoys me that I am this fragile at times, but I guess we all. I hate that I want to give and want to help but I can't do it. I hate that I find myself closing off and I hate that I am so selfish and so much so that all my sentences start with I!
I hate that I can't make everyone happy (hey I can't even make myself happy most days!) and fix every one's problems. I don't know why I feel it is my job to do that but for some insane reason I do. I need to find a way to breathe, worry less, open my heart more and trust that not everyone with crush it. I need to be a little kinder to myself and others. Open my heart more and trust the Lord will guide me to know where and how to help and warn me before I let my heart get too invested and too hurt.( but maybe hurting is necessary and by closing off I am really hindering my growth as a human being and my chance to truly learn charity and compassion.)
On a totally different topic, Nate has been amazing and wonderful since I finally opened up to him and shared my heart- fully- with him. He knows my struggles (he doesn't necessarily understand them, but he tries) and can see when I start to pull away, or shut down, or get overwhelmed and he more than steps up and takes over. Last night I was struggling. It had been a very long day. I had been preparing for a dessert catering job for today- I made 72 mini cheesecakes with red and green decorations to top them and 16 dozen homemade peppermint and mint soft chocolate cookie sandwiches- it was a tad bit physically draining (and I won't be making any kind of cookie anytime in the near future.) Then, Wyatt spikes a fever. Now I have to try to help him, finish the desserts and have them all ready for Nate to now deliver since I will be home with a sick child. Nate had a meeting to go to and the kids all needed showers. I got it all done and got Wyatt drugged and off to bed. Earlier in the day I had made the mistake of promising Mara that if she did her homework quickly after school I would help her make these very complicated snowflakes. She reminded me at 7:15 last night. The hope and excitement in her eyes made it impossible to say no. So we struggled to figure out how to do them. It took almost an hour but we did it. The result was amazing. We will do more and I will post pictures. Just got Mara in bed and desserts done when Nate walked in. He was excited to tell me about his night and I was struggling to stay focused on what he was saying. I felt bad, but he didn't get annoyed, he realized I was drained. He rubbed my back, held me, and just made me feel safe and loved. We are finally in a good place in our marriage again. I am grateful for these trials that have brought us closer and made us more committed to each other and our love deeper and stronger.
On a completely different topic- how do you get your 10 year old child to remember to bring all her homework papers, agenda, etc home from school each day??? Mara keeps forgetting important parts of her homework and then has a total melt down when she realizes it. So far, she hasn't had any negative consequences from this. She has written apologetic notes to her teacher, called friends for homework assignments, etc. I told her last night that starting today there will be a negative consequence every time she forgets her homework, I don't know what yet, but something has to happen so she will start remembering to do what she is suppose to. I suggested she make herself a check list of what she is suppose to bring home and check off each item before she leaves her classroom each day-hopefully that will help. any ideas or suggestions are appreciated!
enough rambling.
PS- After a friend who is in need today read this, I wanted to clarify for you all, if you are my family or friend, you already own a piece of my heart and I have the capacity to help and care for you- it is all the new people and people I don't even know who are in need that I struggle to find strength and room in my heart to help. If you are my family or friend, please DO NOT hesitate to ask for my help if you need it, SERIOUSLY!!!
Shame
Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to
meet everyone else's expectations.
-Brene Brown
This has totally been me these past few days (but really, most of my life.)
Audrey and snowflakes
I love Christmas shirts. I have two! No, wait! I have 3!!! I have my Hello Kitty one, my sparkly one and my snow flake one. I just love to wear my Christmas shirts!
I love when it snows! (She has never seen it snow.) It is crazy cause all snowflakes are different. No snow flakes are the same Mom. If you look at them really, really close they are different.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Wyatt's Baptism Day
My sister really wants to see some pictures of Wyatt's baptism. I didn't get many and I don't have time to write a post about the day or weekend, but here are a few pictures to hold her over until I do!
Doctors
I need to vent.
Currently sitting at the doctor's office with my two girls. We are here for their well checks. I had two wait 2 months to get an open appt with our pediatrician. I scheduled them for the second appt of the morning so we could get right in and right out. We have been here over an hour now and haven't seen the doctor. We saw the nurse. She still hasn't brought in Audrey's flu shot even though she had me fill out the paper for it 30 mins ago. This is ridiculous!!! I can understand waiting if it was later in the day but our appt was at 8:15 am!! Mara is missing school to sit here and wait-not good. I am so sick of this! When we have sick kids we have NEVER been able to see our doctor-she is just too busy. Today is my last day to come to this office. When I get home I will be finding a new doctor.
Doctors are busy and necessary- I get it. I don't mind waiting when I know that when it is my turn with the doctor I will still get the attention I need, but that is not the case here. Is it asking too much that when I am your second patient of the day that I should be seen within 20 mins of my scheduled appt time???? I just want to scream! Audrey is starting to have a melt down-oh joy! Considering just walking out...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Currently sitting at the doctor's office with my two girls. We are here for their well checks. I had two wait 2 months to get an open appt with our pediatrician. I scheduled them for the second appt of the morning so we could get right in and right out. We have been here over an hour now and haven't seen the doctor. We saw the nurse. She still hasn't brought in Audrey's flu shot even though she had me fill out the paper for it 30 mins ago. This is ridiculous!!! I can understand waiting if it was later in the day but our appt was at 8:15 am!! Mara is missing school to sit here and wait-not good. I am so sick of this! When we have sick kids we have NEVER been able to see our doctor-she is just too busy. Today is my last day to come to this office. When I get home I will be finding a new doctor.
Doctors are busy and necessary- I get it. I don't mind waiting when I know that when it is my turn with the doctor I will still get the attention I need, but that is not the case here. Is it asking too much that when I am your second patient of the day that I should be seen within 20 mins of my scheduled appt time???? I just want to scream! Audrey is starting to have a melt down-oh joy! Considering just walking out...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
My Kids Make Me Laugh and Bring Me To Tears
The Christmas season has just begun but my kids have been busy. Here are few of the things they have been up to...
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| We asked the kids to use our block letters to come up with a good Christmasy word this year- this is what they came up with while Nate and I were busy talking in another room. We left it up for a few days. Today they changed it to say Wisemen. |
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| Nate helped the kids decorate their "trees". We made these last year and the kids loved doing them, so we decided to do them again this year. It is fun to see their personalities come through with their tree decorations. |
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| Here is Audrey (and Wyatt's foot) with her tree. The kids convinced her to spread her ornaments out after this picture was taken. She loves her tree and sits by it looking at it many times a day. |
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| Here is Wyatt (and Mara's arms) by his tree. Can't believe this sweet kid is getting baptized in 4 more days! |
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| Here are their finished trees and stockings ( I am still one stocking short! hopefully I can get it made before Christmas Eve!). Notice those red and green presents on the bench? Those presents brought me to tears a few times yesterday. They are presents my children picked out and wrapped up themselves to give to children in our ward who do not have enough clothes or any toys for Christmas. On Sunday, we went to church and there was a Christmas tree in the foyer- on it were little cards with a child's age, gender and needs. It was an angel tree- you could pick off a few cards and buy the things needed on the card, wrap them up and give them to the Bishop to deliver to needy families in the area. My children saw the tree, asked what it was for, and then quietly asked if they could each pick a card. How could I say no to that?!?! I let them each pick out a card they felt they wanted to get a gift for. I had to explain to them that to do this, they would have to give up one of their own gifts. We didn't have the money to buy them more gifts and buy gifts for these needy children. Wyatt was the first to say he wanted to do that. They girls quickly followed! I was so impressed with their love and generosity and willingness to give up one of their own gifts to get something for someone else. I was mostly worried about Audrey, but she surprised me. As we were shopping yesterday, she picked out 3 things for the little girl she chose. She only once said she wanted to keep the presents for herself. But after explaining that the little girl didn't have any toys, Audrey quickly melted my heart with her sweet smile and reply- she said she knew she needed to give the toys to the girl. When we got home she grabbed the wrapping paper and tape and went to work trying to wrap them up. I am so grateful for my children and this time of year where we can find some many opportunities to serve and share God's love. We have also been reading a scripture a night about Christ from our beautiful advent calender Nate's Mom made us a few years ago, we sing a Christmas song together (last night, I may have forgotten the words to the song and messed everyone up while trying to sing it), and then we read a short Christmas story. This is acutally all Mara's doing- she reminds us to do it and came up with the idea on her own. She has a tender spirit and brings so much love into our home. We are excited (and I just may be a little stressed out) to have family here this week for Wyatt's baptism. Nate's parents get here Thursday and Friday my parents arrive as well as Nate's younger sister and her family. The kids are excited to decorate their giant gingerbread men with Grandma and Grandpa Bingham. We are hoping to take everyone down to the Belagio to see the Christmas displays and then Saturday night all the adults will be going to the temple together. And, of course, the best part of all- Wyatt's baptism Saturday morning. |
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