Hello...and Goodbye

I began this post yesterday but never finished it due to playing and reading to my kids too much (guess you can't do too much of that!) Today I expected things to be much like yesterday, but you will see I was sorely mistaken.

Today (Tuesday) something happened- something inside clicked or fell into place-I felt it.

I have felt "off" for such a long time. I had given up on every feeling "normal" again. I knew I wouldn't be in the deep, dark forever but I truly didn't believe I would ever feel like "me" again.

However, as I was working on projects around the house today, I felt happy. I felt like, Hello! There I am! I'm back! I can't really explain it but something was just different, different good.

 I WANTED to do things. I was excited to start a new knitting project, I wanted to work on some craft projects and organize things- I haven't felt like doing these things in, what seems like, forever. I enjoyed hanging out with my kids. I went outside and introduced myself to my neighbor. I enjoyed making dinner. This probably won't make sense to anyone but I actually cleaned my sliding glass door-it has needed it for about 6 months now but I would look at it and every time it just seemed too hard to wipe off all those fingerprints-I just couldn't do it- until today! I just kept feeling so good and so like my old self that I thought was gone forever.

3 things that may be contributing to my good feelings:
1-Tender Mercies- reminding me of God's love and awareness of me. Truly understanding that blessings are predicated on obedience.

2-spending a wonderful weekend with Nate with out kids for part of it.

3-cooler temperatures-makes a huge difference for me!


.....Woke up this morning (Wednesday) and wanted another day like yesterday-in fact, I expected it. I thought I was back, but then I realized maybe it doesn't work like that.

Today has not been so good. There is a large, shadowy black hand reaching up inside me from the deep dark and it is trying to pull me down.

I don't understand it. How could yesterday be so bright and full of promise just to wake up to such feelings of darkness and despair? Dang I am sick of this! I hate that my kids and husband have to deal with me. I hate the darkness that is always threatening to take over my heart.

Tears are threatening every few minutes today.

I have started and stopped this post several times over the last 2 days.  Let me wrap it up with this:
The tears escaped as I drove home from Blue Diamond with 2 toddlers in the back seat.  Instead of yelling to the heavens (again), "WHY ME????"  I quietly prayed to ask if there was something I needed to learn from this darkness.  The spirit whispered to me that indeed there was and that there is purpose in all things. This was enough to help me breathe and get under control before dropping off one of the toddlers and grabbing my older kids.  I don't have the answers but I have a place to start.  I think it may all have to do with darkness verses light.  I will think about that some more and let you know what I discover.

And now, good-night!  I just got the fantastic news that I have to report to Jury Duty at 7:15 tomorrow morning-oh joy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry