Sleep is Essential

I really hesitated writing my feelings about the last half of my day yesterday.  They weren't pretty.  I didn't write last night because my emotions were too raw and too close to the surface.  I decided to write this now because I have been talking about being open and honest and how important that really is.  So if I am going to preach that to others, I sure has heck better be willing to do it myself.  Here goes being open and honest:

Yesterday started off so well, especially considering how very little sleep I had the night before thanks to a 3 year old who woke up no less than 7 times.  I hung out with my kids, took care of my sick husband, exercised, blogged about how I was doing so good emotionally (how ironic that became as the day progressed!!!)  I had high hopes for the rest of the day. And then...

Exhaustion hit me.  I started to lose patience and perspective.  I needed to fill in for Nate at our Stake's Country Fair.  He was suppose to man a booth for a half hour.  I was suppose to take cookies.  And my friend was part of the live entertainment.  It should have been fun, but I was too tired.  

I was a bit grumpy by the time we headed over to the fair.  It was hot outside- I don't do heat well-at all.  Then to make it worse, it was super windy!  I pull up to the church and find it pure chaos.  I started stressing out- where in the world was I suppose to park? where was the booth I was suppose to man? where did these dang cookies go?  How was I suppose to do all this while keeping track of 3 kids on my own?  Why is it so hot and windy?????  

Finally found a parking spot (which they should have had signs marking that this was the parking for the fair but they didn't), finally found the cookie table but no one was there to tell me what to do with these 4 dozen cookies so I just dumped them on top of a pile of others cookies and stormed off (man I was not a happy person-geez!) and then I had to try to find where this booth was- most of the booths had been taken down and moved inside because of the wind- never found the booth so I gave up and took my kids to at least get some food and watch my friend's musical performance.  

That was another nightmare- I know the wind was throwing a wrench into everything but I wasn't dealing with any of it well.  Finally got food that my 2 youngest then refused to eat and sat down to watch my friend.  

I was just getting worse as the minutes ticked by- I felt like crying, screaming and punching something or someone.  I just wanted to run away.  I do not do well in crowds and there were people everywhere.  I was feeling panicky and soon I could feel myself shutting down.  I had to get out of there soon or there was going to be a big, messy scene with me having a total emotional melt down.

The live entertainment was running behind so it was about 20 mins past the time my friend was suppose to perform and I couldn't wait any longer-I was really starting to loose it.  On our way out, I did something very un-Christlike (yep, just a couple short hours after blogging that I wanted Christ to be my friend and to better follow His example.)  I saw a friend that I haven't seen since she had her baby.  I looked up and there she was with her baby and family.  Pretty sure we had eye contact- and then I turned my head and moved away as fast as I could.  So RUDE!!! I know.  I just knew I could not talk to her right then.  I just couldn't plaster on a fake smile or say how good she looked and what a cute baby she had or hear about how she was doing- i just couldn't.  I felt like I was melting-like my whole body and self and emotions were like jello- not quite liquid not quite solid and very unstable.  I felt my eyes sting with tears and panic was pushing me forward.  I avoided everyone I could and got to my car as fast as possible. I came home and tried to hold it together.

I just wanted to go hide in a dark corner, curl up into the fetal position and just cry and cry and cry.  I didn't though.  I should have.  I was trying so hard not to loose it and the result was a mean mom.  Every noise they made was like finger nails on a chalkboard.  I went and hid in my room and zoned out watching shark tank on hulu so I wouldn't kill anyone.   

I came out and fixed pancakes for dinner-nothing else- just pancakes.  then I yelled at everyone to get ready for bed and get back out here for scripture study.  Yeah- it was really spiritual with your mom yelling at you to sit still while we read the scriptures.  

And then, and then, we read this "Now this was a plan of thine adversary, and he hath exercised his power in thee. Now I would that ye should remember that what I say unto thee I say unto all.

 And behold I say unto you all that this was a snare of the adversary, which he has laid to catch this people, that he might bring you into subjection unto him, that he might encircle you about with his chains, that he might chain you down to everlasting destruction, according to the power of his captivity." (Alma 12:5-6)

I teared up but kept it held in as not to scare my kids with my weeping.  I was letting the adversary get to me.  When I am this tired, my defenses are down and he gets me good.  Sleep is essential to my well being (and everyone's around me.)  I gotta figure out how to sleep more!!!!

The kids went to bed and I was so, so tired but my brain wasn't going to let sleep happen yet. I really wanted to run away.  I almost text a few friends to see if they wanted to go out but I didn't have the energy or feel stable enough to really do that.  I didn't want to talk or think about how I was feeling.  I wanted to run away from that.  I wished at that moment I lived close to my sister- that I could just go to her house and hang out and listen to her talk about her day and eat some of her good food.  I, instead, went to my room, climbed in bed, turned on the lap top Nate and I watched a few episodes of The Great Food Truck Race.  I was feeling guilty and empty and worthless.  I was just keeping these feelings inside because I didn't want to burden Nate anymore today.  As we lay there watching, he reaches over, takes my hand and says "I love you."  And it was enough.

I cried a little.  Thank my Father in Heaven for my husband.  And breathed.