I yelled, scolded, nagged, sighed, screamed, threw my phone and stormed out of a room- just like a teenager having a tantrum. Not quite sure what my problem is today. I want to blame it on exhaustion, but I actually slept decent last night (I have struggled with insomnia since I was 17.) I can't blame it on PMS. I wish I could say it was a symptom of depression or there was some logical explanation. There is not, not really. Oh sure, today was busier than I like, Audrey whined ALL DAY LONG, the kids started fighting the second they got home from school, and Nate was later than usual getting home, but none of these excuse my attitude and behavior. I am 35 not 13!
Here is why I love my husband and my kids and my Savior- I was a cranky, mean, hot mess and Nate comes over, hugs me and apologizes for asking me to do something for him earlier (that was when phone was thrown and storming out of the room happened.) Before I can apologize, Mara comes over and hugs me and apologizes for fighting with Wyatt. She said she would try to be better tomorrow. I am trying not to cry at this point. I apologize for my misbehavior and tell her how grateful I am for tomorrows- for a second chance to try to do better than I did today. I am grateful for a Savior who made it possible for me to be forgiven for my rotten behavior today and to have His example of how I should, and can, be.
I have calmed down for now and pray that the Lord sees fit that I wake up tomorrow and have a chance to do better. Let's also pray that everyone in my household gets a good night sleep!
A couple things I realized tonight:
-when I get busy- I get stressed-when I get stressed, I get cranky and short tempered.
-I like check lists- they make me feel organized and like I am accomplishing things (as long as I get things checked off that is.) check lists stress me out- if everything doesn't get checked off the list, I get stressed- when I get stressed, I get mean and impatient.
-Even when I don't write down a check list, I tend to make one in my head-this is worse than a written one- i can't always remember what was on my list and then I get stressed that I forgot something- when I get stressed, I become one hot mess.
-if there is a job that needs to be done, I tend to do it right then (even if it doesn't need to be done for months) and throw my whole self into the job- I can't do anything else else until the job is done or I get stressed- when I get stressed, I become a monster.
-I DO NOT want to be monster anymore! Therefore, I promise the follow:
To the best of my ability I, Sara Bingham, will try not to be a cantankerous monster. I will keep my schedule to a minimum. I will not make a daily check list, mental or paper. I will learn to take my time and realize that every job has a time frame and it is not "do it right this second!!!!" I will take time each day to do some deep breathing as well as something that will bring me peace and joy. I will quietly walk out of a room when I feel my patience failing. I will give myself timeouts when necessary, before I become a problem to those around me. I promise to love myself a little more and to punch Satan in the face a lot more.
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