Jumble of thoughts, memories, and feelings

I have had a lot of things going through my mind the last couple of hours, not sure what has brought about all this thinking. I am sure it stems from the lack of sleep I have had recently. I just feel like I need to write down some of this stuff. It will all be jumbled together and you don't have to read any of it but I need to get down and out of my head. I was listening to Ingrid Michelson (our new favorite artist) while ironing Nate's work shirts and one song brought back a memory of my brother Brandon. I don't have too many memories from growing up or about my brother. This makes me sad but it has no reflection on my parents or the way they brought us up. I just have a terrible memory. So one of Ingrid's song talks about a hat she knitted for someone special, but it was her first and it was too small. When Brandon was first going through chemo he lost his hair and was always cold. I had recently learned to knit (thanks mom!) and had made several baby hats an figured it couldn't be that much harder to adjust the pattern to fit a man. So I used colors I thought B would like and tried it on Nate before mailing it to him. He called me laughing to thank me for the yarmulke! I told him I tired it on Nate to see if it fit which only brought about more laughter. My brother explained that Nate is only 5" 8" and B was 6' 4" and that is a big difference for hat measuring. At least he got a good laugh out of it! I haven't written much about my sweet husband on our blog. I am not a good wife but I am trying to be better. I have been thinking a lot about Nate today and how much I love that man and I just want to share some of my feelings. Yesterday, I felt him staring at me as I was losing my temper with the kids. When I turned to look at him (read glare) I saw in his eyes a look of love and compassion that took my breath away. He calmly took my arm and tenderly asked if I was okay. Knowing I wasn't, he took over with the kids. That man puts up with a lot from me and I don't deserve his love. He loves me "just the way I am" and for that I am eternally grateful! The last two or three years have been a real challenge for me. I have struggled with a lot of physical, emotional and spiritual obstacles. I have held in my heart a great deal of hurt, anger, unforgiveness, and regret. My poor children and husband have had to deal with a crouchy, short tempered, and angry mom/wife. I have started to understand that I must deal with these struggles and stop putting it off. I want to be the person Nate fell in love with, the person he and the children deserve to have around to help take care of them. The quiet moments of reflection I have taken over the last few days have brought about a range of feelings from sorrow to happiness. The ice that has covered my heart is being chipped away and making room for me to give my whole heart to those I love the most. What would I do without my Nate. He rubs my sore hips without being asked, he makes me laugh when I am on the verge of totally losing it, he inspires me to do my family history, he works so hard so I can stay home with the kids, he doesn't complain about my cooking experiments, he encourages me to relax more, he puts up with me moving furniture constantly and changing my mind every five minutes, he inspires me to better myself as he works hard and studies hard to get more licenses and certificates, he doesn't complain when I eat all of his M&Ms, and he does so much more. I am proud of him. He has gotten his pesticide license, become CLT certified, promoted to supervisor over the largest account for the LV branch, and was just asked by his company to become the LV princple (some important pesticide thing) even though he is the youngest employee at his branch. They all love him there and are impressed by his work ethic and knowledge. He is waiting to hear back on his test scores to see if he passed the arborist tests, too. I just love this man with all my heart. Just when I think I know everything about him, he surprises me with something new. He has two very different sides to him. He is very quiet and reserved but he is also very passionate and determined. Just hearing him laugh warms my heart and brings me joy. I am so amazed by how the Lord brought us together knowing that we would be such good help meets for each other. When I lose my patience (which is most of the time) he steps in and calmly takes control. I think together we make a good team and are grateful that we are so different from each other and are able to compliment each other and encourage each other to turn our weaknesses into strength. I would be lost without Nate and hiss unfailing love. I have learned a great deal about life and love from Nate. One thing I love about him is his love for movies, especially the old black and white films. He also loves puzzles, crosswords, etc. He is a trivia buff which is really a lot of fun, but can be annoying when he is quizzing me on things and I have no idea what the answer is! I better stop rambling for now. I LOVE YOU NATE! Thank you for loving me! I have been thinking a lot about whether or not we should have more kids so that Mara could have a sister and Wyatt could havea brother. What special relationships those are, but then I wonder whether they will have the relationships I hope and dream for them or would it all backfire and they end up with bad relationships like I have had with some of my siblings. Then I wonder if with my luck I would have all boys or all girls and not be able to give Mara a sister or Wyatt a brother then I would be back where we are now. The funny thing is we are done having kids and so none of this really matters because not only will Nate have nothing to do with talking about more kids but my body couldn't handle another pregnancy any way - so why do I think about these things anyway? I think this is all Pedro's fault- at a lunch with Nate's work buddies, Pedro asked when we were having more and kept bugging us saying we needed to have more kids. I dont' really want more kids but I also don't want to Mara and Wyatt to feel like our small family wasn't enough for them. Why do I worry and stress over everything! I need to learn to sit back and enjoy life and all the wonderful blessing we have been given.