closed off

I was just on Facebook for a minute before I moved on to my next task of the day and saw a post about a woman going to hospice today and how her friends were asking for prayers, etc.  I didn't open the link to read her story.

I couldn't.

I couldn't read one more sad story or give one more ounce of my heart away.

Then, I felt ashamed.

I have been closed off lately. 

There is too much need, too much sadness, too much aching out there.  It hurts and is draining and wares me out.  There is such a deep need in me to help, to worry, to give.  The problem- there isn't anything left to give.  No more room to add one more worry.  So much heartache that I can't do anything about, that it just pulls me down and stresses me out.  I have given my heart and my help and my all to people in need only to be abused, walked on and taken advantage of.  But I still stress and worry about them.  I get annoyed and angry and snippy and then I hate myself for feeling that way.  I am tired. I want to help but it just seems like too much.  I need to find some kind of balance (ah-the story of my life!)

I just want to build a little cocoon around myself and hide out. Only open up to happy things and my husband and kids.  If there are some simple needs, I can do that- I can give a hug or a dinner or note of encouragement, even a listening hear but if you need more, I might not be able to help, I might just burrow deeper in my cocoon and wait for something my heart can handle.  It kind of annoys me that I am this fragile at times, but I guess we all.  I hate that I want to give and want to help but I can't do it.  I hate that I find myself closing off and I hate that I am so selfish and so much so that all my sentences start with I!

I hate that I can't make everyone happy (hey I can't even make myself happy most days!) and fix every one's problems.  I don't know why I feel it is my job to do that but for some insane reason I do.  I need to find a way to breathe, worry less, open my heart more and trust that not everyone with crush it.  I need to be a little kinder to myself and others.  Open my heart more and trust the Lord will guide me to know where and how to help and warn me before I let my heart get too invested and too hurt.( but maybe hurting is necessary and by closing off I am really hindering my growth as a human being and my chance to truly learn charity and compassion.)

On a totally different topic, Nate has been amazing and wonderful since I finally opened up to him and shared my heart- fully- with him.  He knows my struggles (he doesn't necessarily understand them, but he tries) and can see when I start to pull away, or shut down, or get overwhelmed and he more than steps up and takes over.  Last night I was struggling.  It had been a very long day.  I had been preparing for a dessert catering job for today- I made 72 mini cheesecakes with red and green decorations to top them and 16 dozen homemade peppermint and mint soft chocolate cookie sandwiches- it was a tad bit physically draining (and I won't be making any kind of cookie anytime in the near future.)  Then, Wyatt spikes a fever.  Now I have to try to help him, finish the desserts and have them all ready for Nate to now deliver since I will be home with a sick child.  Nate had a meeting to go to and the kids all needed showers.  I got it all done and got Wyatt drugged and off to bed.  Earlier in the day I had made the mistake of promising Mara that if she did her homework quickly after school I would help her make these very complicated snowflakes.  She reminded me at 7:15 last night.  The hope and excitement in her eyes made it impossible to say no.  So we struggled to figure out how to do them.  It took almost an hour but we did it.  The result was amazing.  We will do more and I will post pictures.  Just got Mara in bed and desserts done when Nate walked in.  He was excited to tell me about his night and I was struggling to stay focused on what he was saying.  I felt bad, but he didn't get annoyed, he realized I was drained.  He rubbed my back, held me, and just made me feel safe and loved.  We are finally in a good place in our marriage again. I am grateful for these trials that have brought us closer and made us more committed to each other and our love deeper and stronger.

On a completely different topic- how do you get your 10 year old child to remember to bring all her homework papers, agenda, etc home from school each day??? Mara keeps forgetting important parts of her homework and then has a total melt down when she realizes it.  So far, she hasn't had any negative consequences from this. She has written apologetic notes to her teacher, called friends for homework assignments, etc.  I told her last night that starting today there will be a negative consequence every time she forgets her homework, I don't know what yet, but something has to happen so she will start remembering to do what she is suppose to.  I suggested she make herself a check list of what she is suppose to bring home and check off each item before she leaves her classroom each day-hopefully that will help.  any ideas or suggestions are appreciated!


enough rambling.

PS- After a friend who is in need today read this, I wanted to clarify for you all, if you are my family or friend, you already own a piece of my heart and I have the capacity to help and care for you- it is all the new people and people I don't even know who are in need that I struggle to find strength and room in my heart to help.  If you are my family or friend, please DO NOT hesitate to ask for my help if you need it, SERIOUSLY!!!