Today I found my stride.
I have not always liked running. I am not a runner. I will never be a runner. I do, however, run.
Just before I began high school, my parents decided I needed to join a sports team or something. They were concerned. I was very shy. I had never played sports before, but they were worried that I would get lost in all the bigness of high school. They suggested soccer (no one had ever been cut from my the high school girl's soccer team so this would be perfect for me.) I tried out. I got cut. Then, I got put back on a team- the JV white team-this was made up of all the girls who got cut- we didn't really count, but they set up games for us with random teams. Then, I got put on the actual JV team! Why? Because I was happy to be goalie when no one would do it- why? because I hated running. Soccer soon became my life but I did everything I could to get out of running during practice. This is how it was all through high school. If I could find a way out of running I took it!
Fast forward 2 years- I am going to the University of Utah, trying to figure out the rest of my life. One day I get the crazy idea that I should start running. I must have been delusional that day or something. I started very slowly and soon found it not only NOT horrible, but some what enjoyable. Okay, maybe the running isn't what I enjoy, it is the feeling at the end of "LOOK! Look what I just did! All by myself! I just did something really hard and it felt good". I love the feeling of accomplishment that follows a run, maybe more so because I am not built like a runner, I have never been super athletic and dang! I can do hard things! I ran each morning along highway 89 before heading off to classes and work. Then I left on a mission. I did not have any runner companions. I didn't run for 18 months. I came home and life was crazy. Then I met Nate and shortly after we got married. I moved to Logan- it was COLD!!! no way I was going to run in 2 feet of snow. Then I got pregnant and life got even crazier.
Fast forward 7 more years. My third child is just about done nursing. I get crazy again and decide to try running again. I start super slow- I jogged 1 block. I increased it about 1 block a week. I fell in love! I loved running or at least what it did for me. No one could bug me when I ran. No one could say Mommy mommy I need this or that. It was just me and my thoughts or music if my thoughts were too much. It was therapy for me. Anytime I was frustrated, annoyed, angry, hurt, sad, etc. I could just go out and run 3 or 4 miles and come back a happier, healthier person. It was good for me (better for those I was ticked at), it was good for my body, and it was really good for my emotional well being. I ran for a couple years and then my body started shutting down. Every joint hurt, I felt sick to my stomach all the time, I was exhausted every second of every day. I had to stop. They think it is an autoimmune disease. Still trying to figure it out. I started to feel better so I tried to exercise and I hurt my knee- bad. Running was over again. It has been for the last year and half. In that time, I have gained 35 lbs and battled depression. Enough was enough. I had to do something. I was told I needed a knee replacement but I am too young to get one and the insurance won't pay for it at this stage. I will just have to endure the pain, swelling, and weakness for several years. I was okay with that for a little while. I just told myself I would just endure until I got a new knee and then I could run again. Then came the crushing news- you can't run on a fake knee, you don't even get to kneel on it!!! WHAT????? that news about did me in.
Fast forward to about 4 weeks ago. I was bound and determined to fight this depression with everything I had. I knew running was a big part of my emotional struggles but I CAN'T run and everything I tried to do to replace the emotional peace running brings did NOT work. I tried to settle myself by just walking on the treadmill. The walking was helping with the depression but in my heart I just yearned to run. So, one day I did. I jogged very slowly the last one minute of my walk on the treadmill. Did it hurt? Yep. Did I care? Nope. Just 1 min of jogging did something for me emotionally. The next day I did 3 mins. And I have been going faster and longer each time! The pain in my knee is minimal, which is truly a miracle. A tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven who reminds me each time I am on the treadmill that He is aware of me and cares for me and knows that what I need to fight the demons I face each day is to run. He has made it possible for me to run again. I am slow and I can't do too much at this point but it is enough to pull me out of the darkness each day and for that, I am eternally grateful!!!!
Even though I have been "running" for the last few weeks- each step has been a battle. A battle through the pain, exhaustion, and doubts. I just hadn't found a stride that worked with the way I run with my messed up knee. I have to walk differently and use my body differently-running was no exception. But, today, I found my stride. I was running! I was breathing and not thinking about my knee or how much longer can I do this. I felt like I could go forever. It was amazing!!!!
