caving in

i am not sure why, but i can feel myself pulling inside my shell.  I feel like i am caving in.  It is hard to explain but it is so much more than a emotional feeling- it feels like my body is physically shutting down when i emotionally shut down. today there is no darkness (thankfully!!) just exhaustion.  i just want to go crawl back in bed and lay there, alone, for a few days.  is it that i stayed up to late reading a book (Quiet) that has me thinking about who i am and why i spent so much of my life trying to be something i am not or is it that i woke up super early and couldn't go back to sleep so read more of my book until it was time to drag myself up to get the kids ready for school or was it doing too much yesterday?  i am annoyed that doing so little wears me out so much and more annoying is that i forget that i can't do as much in one day like i used to do. oh well, whatever the reason, i feel like my insides are caving in and if i don't fight it, i will end up in bed for the day and my children will be very neglected, so i am writing this instead.  we have a play date in a little bit which will be my saving grace today- keep me from hiding from the world and make me stay out of my bed.

maybe part of it has to do with valentine's being tomorrow. nate does not acknowledge this as a real holiday. he believes it is made up by the card and flower people to make money so he boycotts the day. he won't even say i love you on valentine's or do anything that in any way could be seen as celebrating this "holiday".  i actually am okay with his attitude about it all.  i have grown to dislike this holiday anyway due to dumb school parties and all the rules on the treats to bring and not bring and the way each teacher wants the valentines done.  i was so excited this year not to have to do class valentines and treats since there is no school tomorrow- i figured teachers finally got smart and got the school district to not have school on valentines so mom's wouldn't have to deal with it all and they wouldn't have to deal with hyper- sugar pumped up kids all day. but i was wrong.  they are just doing all the valentines and parties and treats today instead-BOO!!! there are a few candies that only come out at valentine's time that i love and it has been especially bad this year-  i have been eating so much junk and i am sure that is really the main cause of my emotional turmoil at the moment.  sugar and sad go well together.  i just need to be stronger and control the amount of sugar i am ingesting.  anyway, this post is just making me want to eat more conversation hearts and cinnamon jelly hearts.  i am going to go read to audrey and make my bed so i won't climb back into it.