Wow! i am full of negative and disastrous emotions and thoughts at the moment (really the last couple months) i know the heat plays a small part of this, but honestly, it is all on me and my own doing.i haven't been doing the things i need to. the biggest problem with that is that i am not the only one who suffers the consequences of my lazy, selfish lack of actions to fight the depression and anxiety. my kids, husband and friends have to deal with me and suffer the wrath that follows when i lose sight of the light and give into the darkness. i realize that when i struggle with depression, that i become very negative, angry, hostile, and oh so impatient. everything annoys me,wears me out and frustrates me. i get hyper focused on things that truly don't matter and that i just need to let go. i am ready to fight again.
last night i realized how incredibly negative i have become and decided enough is enough. i put on my sneakers, grabbed my iPod and ran. today, i am exhausted and my body aches after months of inactivity and bad eating habits. it hurts so good! i will go again tonight, and tomorrow and the next day,etc. i will begin to eat better starting today. i will fight to find the old optimistic me. i am done with negativity. i am done with friendships that make me unhappy. i am done with excuses. i am DONE with the darkness and anger!!!
on a side note, i am struggling big time with friendships. i have had several friends move over the past year or so and i am not doing so well at keeping in touch or making new friends. those who are still here, some friendships have become toxic for me, some have just evaporated and many i have just neglected as i struggled with my own issues. i have a hard time understanding where these friendships should fit into my life and often lately i wonder how important i should make these friendships as my friendship with my husband has flourished and grown stronger and deeper than i ever imagined was possible, do i need anything besides him? i always hear about how women need these friendships with other women, but sometimes i feel as if maybe not all women (like me) need these deep, super involved female friendships or maybe there is just something wrong with me (okay,truth is, i know there are lots of things wrong with me.) does any of this make sense??? i feel like i am rambling all crazy like. the real issue, i don't know how to end this one friendship that has turned so toxic to me but i feel guilty for wanting to end it and not being there for someone who had been such a big part of my life for the last 5 years. maybe i should just hide out in my house, remove myself from all social media and get rid of my phone, life would be so much easier and quiet :)
1 comment:
oh man. I'm sorry. I totally get it. it's so awful to be annoyed by yourself but you're so tired and down you don't have the energy to fix it. haha. eventually one day there seems to be a break in the clouds and you just have to pounce on it... like it seems you are doing today. you just do the best you can, day by day. I think you're strong and you're TRYING, which is what counts most.
I also totally get the thing about friends. you're an introvert and you like your family and you don't need much else. I'm that way too and sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, but there's not. there's nothing wrong with you either. it's ok not to have tons of girlfriends. that's not where you draw your strength. you just cultivate the relationships that you do need, that do bring light to your life, and let the other ones go. it's ok. sometimes you have people in your life for a certain time, for a certain reason, and then things change and it's ok for the relationship to end.
I just like to have a couple buddies to text once in a while... just so I can tell myself I do have a couple friends. haha. :) and a lunch date every couple months to get me out of the house and share some thoughts and get some advice is about all I need. so, I'm glad you're one of those for me. :)
good luck, sweet sara. you're better than you think you are.
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