to pop pills or not pop pills, that is the question

for a while now i have been wanting to express my thoughts about whether or not i should take an anti-depressant.

a few weeks ago, i had a conversation with a dear friend (this was just a few days after i had a major emotional break down.) she told me i needed to be on some kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds.  she told me her story and how the meds helped her feel like herself after struggling for years.  (let me just say, that before this conversation with her, i had been leaning toward seeing a doctor and possibly starting some meds.)

i knew that most of the time i was pretty good and could function like a "normal" person

i knew that my definition of "normal" for me had changed greatly over the past year

i knew that there were times i was a bit of a mess- a horrible hot mess

i knew that drugs can help some people

i knew that some people needed these drugs to function

i knew several people who have taken meds in the past or are taking them now

i knew some that said they were heaven sent- a miracle- a blessing- the answer

i knew some that said they were horrible- ineffective- horrible -definitely not the answer

i knew of side effects

i knew i needed to consider taking meds- research them-pray about them-talk with nate about them

then, i had this conversation with my friend- she was trying to convince me that i need the meds and it would change my life.  the more she talked and shared with me, the more i felt that meds were not the answer for me.

i was not against meds- i know they can help. i wondered if i really needed them since, most of the time i felt fine. i considered taking them more for those around me and not so much for myself (i have a fear that my depression may at times cause problems for my kids and husband.) i knew this friend had been on meds for several years.  she is a true friend and i trusted her to be honest with me about what it has been like for her, side effects, complications, the actual effectiveness, etc.  anywho- we had this talk and instead of leaning more toward starting meds, i was now taking a huge step away from them. funny how she was trying to get me on them and ended up pushing me away.  so here are a few of the things she said that impacted me:

-all the "things"(ie running, blogging, sleeping, cutting down on sugar, being open and honest) i have found that help the symptoms are not a cure and will never take away my depression. she then followed that up by saying that i will have to try different meds to find one that works for me and then have to continually up the dosage or change drugs as my body gets use to them (here is the thing, if i can control my symptoms without drugs i would much rather do that- just like the "things" i do, do not cure the depression, neither will the drugs.  if i am ultimately just controlling the symptoms to feel like "me", i would a million times rather do it naturally.)

-i have talked to several people about the side effects they have had with their anxiety/depression meds- none which sound too fun.  when i asked my friend about any side effects she has experienced she said nothing really, just some issues with sex, that it messed with her brain some in that area and she had no desire. i didn't like the sound of any of that.

-the meds for her didn't make everything wonderful and sparkly and perfect, but she felt like the old her. now, this is where i really debated with myself.  do i want to feel like the "old" me?  i have learned so much through this depression.  i have changed in so many ways- lots of them for the good (at least i think so.) depression has brought me a greater understanding of life and those around me and how i want to live. it has made me slow down and take life easier (which has been so good for my family! we have more down time together and i love that-i thank my depression for bringing that blessing into our lives. nate and i have learned to communicate and work together through this trial.  our marriage has grown and deepened and improved so much even just over the last month!  i wouldn't trade that for anything.)

we talked about lots of stuff but this is getting too long already! when i got home from my friend's house i did make an appointment with my doctor who i trust and who has taken good care of me over the past 8 years. i met with him this week.  we talked about what i have been dealing with and what i have found that helps and we talked about meds- he felt like i didn't need them. he said what i was doing was the right course of action for me. he did give me the name of a good therapist- he said it may help to talk to someone who can help me find the source of my issues or give me more coping tools.

i guess i should also say that between my talk with my friend and my doctor's appt, nate and i had a good talk about it all.  i spent a lot of time praying about what i should do, pondering and even going to the temple to think about it (my friend made sure i knew that no matter how righteous i tried to be or how many prayers i said or how much time i spent in the temple, my depression wouldn't just go away. this may be true, but no matter what, i want to (NEED TO) stay close to my Father in Heaven. it is only through His love and His Son's Atonement that i make it through any day and trial in my life.)  I feel at peace about my decision to not take any meds at this time.  things may change later on in my life, but for now, i will work hard to do what i know will keep the darkness at bay.

*depression can be caused by lots of things and each person's experiences and needs are different.  for many all it takes is the right meds (and maybe only taking them for a short while) to get back to "normal", for some it a great therapist, some will find their "cure" and depression will just be a little dark valley that they had to cross at one point in their lives, for some it will be life long battle, some struggle on a hourly or minutely basis while others just have bouts of it here and there, what is right for me is not necessarily what is right for you or anyone else with depression- only you can decide what is best for you. i hope that if you struggle or know someone who does struggle with depression and anxiety that they can soon find what is the best plan of action for them and find some relief from the crushing darkness.